My life has taken on the guise of leisure, but no part of me believes it’s true.
I am not persistent as much as I am paranoid.
Coffee is my thing. I don’t want to be diluted or slowed. Rapidly. Rapidly. Think.
I have to set time limits for how long I can write, because otherwise I’ll be here all day, churning out random articles that only a scattering of people will read.
And yet people bless me for all this “free” work. The videos sell. The lectures are filled. People sign up for personal lessons. Poker is for sale, and it is a hot item.
Shouldn’t I be concerned with accomplishing more? With, you know, actually winning big tournaments? I feel like I could do more.
Isn’t this what I set out to accomplish when I started? A home and peace at all sides? A loving wife? Having the option to work, not the obligation?
By the way, I didn’t dream of a wife per se, but of a girlfriend. Which is strange, because if you dream of a long-term partner, shouldn’t it be a marriage? I guess that word wasn’t part of the Seattle lexicon.
What is this thing where men call their wife “my partner” all the time now? I always start talking more carefully, thinking the man is gay. Then I meet his large black wife and I feel duped.
Returning to the topic: I feel good, albeit lazy and ineffective. My last month has been dreadful poker results wise. It’s my first losing month this year. My long winning streak has come to an end.
I withdrew quite a bit of my money, for Vegas, Main Event, and in case my family needs anything while I’m in Seattle. Not that I’m some knight helping my family. In all honesty they help themselves more than anything, and are really good at asking for my help only when they need it. Just, you know, family dinners, maybe you see something that needs to be repaired, it’s good to be prepared.
I seem to not have the money online to play high stakes all the time anymore, so I’m taking a break. My wife says I should be playing, but I’m taking the time to catch up on Pocketfives Training videos and Pocarr lessons.
It feels weird to not have won anything of note, but to be this comfortable. God has really blessed me. I always wanted a big win growing up. I cursed the numerous days I came so close and it didn’t materialize. I didn’t understand that true security doesn’t come from years of drought followed by one day of harvest. It’s in the day-to-day work paying off consistently.
My worry is always I’m not doing enough, which is ridiculous. I’ve broken myself again and again from overworking. Now there is a peace. The marriage has taken place, the money is saved, and we’ve moved into the new place.
I can spin my wheels all day writing, reading, and playing the occasional video game or cash game. When I do get to work it’s with the same obsession as when I read. I’ve been extremely satisfied with the quality of my output lately.
I don’t believe it has anything to do with my talent, but more that I find working a palpably enjoyable addiction. It’s been hard work to not just grind all day and every day. It goes against what got me here. Yet, the articles and videos improve so much when I take time each day to sprawl out on a chair outside, and read my Kindle while Mayo huddles against my belly. So many new ideas are coalescing in my mind.
When I do play poker I’m much calmer, and generally winning more. Unfortunately, when I go back into the heavy grind it seems my play deteriorates rapidly. This worries me with the WSOP: Main Event looming.
It’ll be nice to have 100% of myself for a change. This is the first year I’ve had 100% of myself in the PCA and WSOP Main.
It feels go0d to be moving forward again, after years of stagnation, difficulties with addiction, and eventual ruin. I did it to myself.
I don’t feel like a grinder who has earned his stripes. I just feel like a kid with a winning ticket who waited too long to cash it. Is it still worth the same amount? Can you work harder to retain it’s original value?
I enjoy my work greatly. I can’t wait to go play another live $10,000 live event. I love making these videos and review sessions with my students. I thank God every day for the job he has blessed me with. Not everyone has short-term and long-term goals that seem achievable.
Thank you all for reading, supporting, and being a part of it.