I’m in my bedroom. Naty is laying next to me sleeping. We just got done playing Scrabble. She got 360+ points and smoked me. I’ve never seen so many large combinations on triple word score.
We used a Spanish Scrabble board, so I was at a bit of a disadvantage.
Malcolm Gladwell said his writing was akin to going on adventures. I really prescribe to the Donald Miller approach to life, in that you are living a story. You have a number of choices to accept challenges that could change your plot. Most people choose the painless route while other’s realize the character never develops without conflict.
I think it’s time for me to accept more conflict. I’m mostly stable on my meds. I’m really stable with my work. I need now to move onto something else that could make me feel like I’m endeavoring further.
I want to get back into shape. Walking around Jaco with my shirt off I notice I’m bigger than I have been in a long time. That is what happens when you eat home cooking for all your meals. Costa Ricans have an obsession with overfeeding me delicious food. The weight gain was slow, but it’s gotten to the point I’m pretty portly. I’m still able to run 10 miles whenever but I’m not where I used to be.
There’s no reason for that either. I do not enjoy dieting at all, but I love to get exercise. I could wake up early and get running. I have some free weights I could use in the house. I just get lazy, wake up right before my lessons, and nail them without showering.
Before WCOOP I was jogging four or more times a week, but not doing any weight training. Then WCOOP started and I had way less time. I played more of the main events than I really expected to. I don’t think I cashed before I chopped that WCOOP 1k.
Then when that got done I decided, for kicks, I’d see how many lessons I could do in one week. I found out quickly my business had been ready to grow for a while. I just hadn’t been available to grow with it.
The only problem with that is it’s 10+ hours a day of time investment. Many of my lessons start very early because Eastern Europeans need them earlier.
Well, I’ve refined my method now so that I start at 9:00, which makes me think I should starting waking up at 6:00.
A lot of people probably think I’m nuts. The truth is I’m weak, like most people. I do this for a week, drop a few kilos, start looking fitter, and then go F it – I’m done.
I can do better than that. I want to exact more value from my life.
It’s crazy to me when you watch people play The Sims. They’ll have their guy work out, go to social outings, and upgrade their home frequently. They respect their digital character more than they respect themselves.
Adam Carolla always goes on about how dead obvious life is if you really think about it. When people bring up they started doing cocaine he goes, “really? Did you really think you would come out ahead on that deal?” He’s not acting holier than thou, he’s just pointing out how dumb some actions you take are when you think about it.
Him and Dr. Drew started teaming up again, which has been excellent. I was shaving one day and listening. They had a guy call in saying his friend was super irritable and couldn’t sleep well anymore, because he’d gotten addicted to hash.
Carolla jumped in. “That’s not the hash I know! Most hash users here are small business owners!” I laughed but it’s true. How many people come out on top of smoking all day every day? It messes with your focus.
Dr. Drew chimed in, pointing out how even if you can handle a drink or substance every night that doesn’t mean it’s a habit to be left alone. If it’s affecting your ability to work on something else for yourself or if your wife says you seem different, then it isn’t the greatest thing for you either, even if you’re not an addict.
Carolla went off on a jag in one of his other podcasts saying “life isn’t that hard. If you hang around junior college, smoke some pot, and come home to play video games every day you know it’s not going to turn into much. If you wake up early, run six miles, hit the books with a full course load at the same community college, then go work as a waiter at nights so you can save up your tips, then things are a little more likely to turn around.”
That assumes you pride financial success as much as Mr. Carolla, but hey, I do. I’m behind schedule in fact. I was given a winning lottery ticket with poker and I blew it, like dumb shits from my prior socioeconomic standing usually do when they come into fortunes.
I feel on the track to getting it back. I want my legal problems solved, a home purchased, 50k in the bank, a 50k poker roll, and I want to give away a ton of money. I want all these things because I’m positive I can achieve them.
The problem is I keep putting life off in order to achieve these goals. Ah okay I’ll do more creative writing once I’ve settled down. I’ll work out more once I’ve achieved my goals. Yada yada.
I’ve been in poker long enough now to know most professionals are addicted. Guys my age always talk about how much they hate poker, even if, actually especially, if they’ve been privy to early financial success.
I think there’s a beauty to that. Most rich people I know miserable. I would never want to be one.
Due to what I dealt with and some of the problems I ran into on the way I feel extremely privileged. I don’t have as much money, and I don’t have the track record I want. But I see it. I see where I’m taking this now. God has blessed me with a business and potential for growth. God has given me a wife. God has given me treatment and sobriety. God has healed me.
Now I want to start taking on new challenges. I feel released from what once took me down, and I want to measure my wingspan now. One goal that would be really fulfilling to me is taking care of my body. I don’t want huge muscles or rock hard abs. I want to feel strong. I want to feel spry like I did before. I want more energy and stamina. I have a ton now with a softer middle, but I know there’s more potential to release.
It’s also a personal thing. I don’t feel the recovery is complete until I’ve really harnessed myself.
I get hyped up a lot, follow through for a week or two, then crap out. Keeping semi-skinny has always been the goal, and I’ve usually accomplished that. I want to learn more now about nutrition and taking care of my body. I want to fix my missing teeth and myself. I want to mean business.
I’ve had a lot of damage done to my nervous system, sometimes inflicted by me, other times not. One thing a neurologist told me is that when you have something akin to PTSD its very hard for your brain to make new connections. It’s so used to this fight-or-flight chemical that literally bathes your receptors and frays them, that establishing new connections is extremely difficult. I also heard about it in this Nat Geo documentary:
I’ve found through my work that while it’s really hard for me to learn new things that I really enjoy it once I get it, and I seem to master many concepts after I struggle with them for a long time. I want this love for new connections to go beyond my work. I desire to learn about topics I seem to have little prowess in, because I think it will help me overall. I will feel more well-rounded and capable, akin to how I feel in poker now.
There is this blog too. I’m thinking of doing a rehaul of the front layout. I love what the blogs look like once you click on them, but wouldn’t mind making the front page a little more attractive. If any of you know anything about doing that let me know.
I’ve never even checked how many views a lot of blogs have gotten. I know I get published in many places between my more refined articles and my blathering. I know how many emails and offers I get. I know how Assassinato Coaching is doing for me. That’s enough.
Now I want to make this blog more of an adventure. I seem to write so fast now that I’m clear headed. I seem to have energy for something if it leads to a better life story. Now I want to live my own narrative. I want to be my own hero. I want to read my personal writing and be proud of myself in 10 years. I want to move on everything damnit.
It was easier to take big risks when I had nothing. Moving to Casino Road with my things in liquor boxes I nicked – my expectations or sense of security wasn’t exactly high. I was ready to gamble and become a poker player. I was ready to get it in.
You start having a secure home, a dog, a warm bed, and a hot meal every night and you get happy. You get complacent. But I don’t like doing the same thing for long. I’m never satisfied with right now. I have to demand more out of myself. I’ve been feeling the pangs of development but not answering them fully. It’s time to move.