Wish Them Well

San Jeronimo, Costa Rica

I was listening to that Dre track, "I Need A Doctor." I really loved Dre's semi-bitter/semi appreciative verse, about how he tried to help his friends who said they were so devoted to him, and at the end Eminem was the only one helping him. I just love how the two sound like they're brothers even though they don't even have the same skin color.

I was thinking about it this morning because I cracked another MTT. I took 3rd in the 100r FTOPs, because apparently I've really figured out rebuys again. I was obviously annoyed not to get the 290K+ win, especially when I got one outted on the river for 70% of the chips 3 handed or whatever it was, but I got extremely lucky to get there. I ran AQ through QQ deep to get a bunch of chips. I did a reckless triple shelled bluff against Bond that I hated that cost me a ton of my big chip stack. I doubled up so many times. I put one of the worst beats ever on my friend Dmill90. We'd been 3betting and 4betting each other with air. I thought I had gold with 88 and 5bet him and he had AA, and the board just came with an 8 like a dream.

He had so many chips in the 5k at PCA. Both tournaments he got so close to the final table and ran like shit. I ran amazing till 3handed in both tournaments and then lost an 80-20 situation. A lot of people told me I'm really unlucky, since I got two outted and one outted for 100k+ in real money each time. Yet...my friend's the one who really got dumped on. He taught me so much. When he was a kid who knew more than 90% of the top Pocketfivers, but he was too busy going to a real school for a real degree to get the attention he deserved.

I got some attention and a lot of money together, and really I think I played one of the best tournaments I've ever played in the FTOPs, but I got lucky so much. I can't get mad about suckouts deep because if you get to play for this much money then you really are blessed.

I keep listening to this Dre track. I really dig it.

In the morning I got to call my investors and say "I'm final table of an FTOPs."

I don't care about the equity I got "bad beated" out of because just the pride in calling the people who supported me was enough.

I went bust completely six months back. It was a long time coming. I made poor decisions, made many of them, and my mind wasn't clear because of my drug habit. I final tabled the 750k, the 1k Monday, and the Super Tuesday at the height of my abuse, but eventually I went down a 100k myself, and my horses were racking up record losses. I was always just trying to block it out unsuccessfully. It should turn around. I'd gotten such great players. I'd have anyone critique their HHs. We did just run bad, then I let other things get in the way. I didn't know what I was doing. I don't think most 21-year-olds would. It really hit me when I turned in my records to the IRS. It just sad.

I went to a lot of friends who I helped on their way up. I didn't ask for much. I gave them my house, money, food, whatever when they came up. I backed them. When I asked for a little money till I got back on my feet they all told me no. They didn't have to say why. You're stoned and you're useless now Alex. We have no idea how you lost that much money, and we don't think you're coming back. We think you're the past, we're the future.

No love for what I did for you on the way up? How many times you crashed at my hotel abroad? I'd never even asked you for a favor before.

I had a bunch of money in my own camp which I said, "alright send it to me, I can't keep this floating anymore, I'm out on my own." They all acted like me going bust was a choice. It was my money, it was never their's. Trusted friends of years ran off with it. People close to me stole from me. Really close.

The crazy thing was it was the kids who had families and back up plans and could live without me who did it to me. The kids thrown out, the kids who'd been on their own, the kids estranged from their families, they stepped right up to the plate to help me.

I took a little help from them but my pride couldn't deal with it. My girlfriend's family looking out for me now when I'm supposed to be the man, this dude whose always been there for me, even at the height of my addiction? It should be these people who I jump started helping me, not just my colleagues who don't owe me shit.

They never doubted me once. I borrowed about 6k, that was it, and a lot of that went to my family. I started grinding with nothing again from that grind hole in San Jose. I said "do this right this time." I stopped smoking, for the most part stopped drinking, stayed with the one girl. I worked 12-16 hour days. I broke myself. I thought it would take a year of this kind of work to get anywhere near my former height.

I don't even care about the money for myself. Seeing my friends eat good dinners I paid for, drink what I got them, and have money for their family from me was all I wanted. It got me up at 8:00 AM to teach a lesson/review a HH. It got me through six hour cash sessions followed by eight hour tournament sessions. It got me doing the road work up that hill. It got me doing business every day that I'd never looked into before. It got me moving.

Now I look at the mountains, fields, and forests of San Jose from my yard. I'm writing here. I wrote 2,000 words this morning. My only goal now is 2,000 words a day in the morning, and then everything after that is gravy. I got time to blog now, do anything now. I feel good. I feel free. Work's optional again, and no hang ups to take it away from me. Sending checks back home. Eating good meals with my friends. Drink a Dr. Pepper, and drink in the smell after a rain in the mountains. I can't believe I'm here.

***

So yeah, I, uhhh, still can't believe I took third in that donkament.

My friends and I literally have too much money to count right now. We just got the bookkeeping up to date and then I scored more. Again, I was hoping to get them back big over the next couple years. To do it so quick...I feel really blessed. I was worn down truthfully. I was playing the best poker of my career but my brain was fried.

I had all these invisible demons. My girl had to hold me down, and literally hold me down a few times I was so self-destructive.

I wish I hadn't alienated some people who really loved me and trusted some people who had nothing good for me.

Even before the recent rush I was feeling so much more calm. Meds and therapy really did a lot.

I guess I should talk a little bit more about the donkament.

I woke up at 7:00 AM that morning for my maid, and because I find it really easy to fall asleep here in the mountains. The temperature is a lot closer to Seattle's. I spent most of the morning getting some things fixed with my cash accounts, playing some cash. I'm on some networks most people would never get on. I got my friend hooked up, got some cash, moved some cash. I did my Spanish lesson. I told the lady I have really terrible ADD and she needs to scream at me a lot. She does an amazing job now, lol. I learn so much every session.

The tournament didn't start till 8:00 PM, when I'd been awake thirteen hours. At the final table I'd been awake 24+. Yes it was terrible planning.

I really didn't feel like it effected my game a ton. I was a little more ragged and I think I played without giving as much of a shit. I booted up a long MTT session, busted in the money of a $100.00 and got 3-outted of a nice stack ITM of a $162.00. OOps.

I loved being able to multi-entry in the 100r but didn't enjoy the lack of stats. I tried to make up for it by researching the players online and going through every hand on the replayer twice. I think it helped a lot.

I just swung for the fences too. I 3bet with air at least 30 times. I fourbet light at least five. I want to get the HH together and do a Pokerpwnage video, because I'm not exaggerating when I say this was the luckiest/best tournament I ever played. Really wished I didn't get 1 outted at the end, otherwise I think it would have been my luckbox masterpiece, but I also was just on. Final two tables I just decided I didn't care about anything but first and started taking every spot. Nobody was going after it because it was an FTOPs.

Then people started finally pushing back, so I had to push a little further. Which widens everybody's ranges, opening up your value range, and also your bluffing range.

That's when this happened 7-handed.

Full Tilt Poker Game #28069584215: FTOPS Event #10 (217140635), Table 120 - 30000/60000 Ante 7500 - No Limit Hold'em - 07:17:01 ET - 2011/02/10

Seat 1: TheAssassinato (5,514,103)

Seat 4: chaz_man_chaz (5,543,116)

Seat 5: holdplz (1,163,096)

TheAssassinato antes 7,500

chaz_man_chaz antes 7,500

holdplz antes 7,500

chaz_man_chaz posts the small blind of 30,000

holdplz posts the big blind of 60,000

The button is in seat #1

*** HOLE CARDS ***

Dealt to TheAssassinato [X-X]

TheAssassinato raises to 120,000

chaz_man_chaz has 15 seconds left to act

chaz_man_chaz raises to 325,655

holdplz folds

orlo8 (Observer): gl chaz!

Wrigly13 (Observer): don like the snap call

TheAssassinato has 15 seconds left to act

TheAssassinato raises to 671,310

chaz_man_chaz has 15 seconds left to act

chaz_man_chaz has requested TIME

chaz_man_chaz calls 345,655

*** FLOP *** [5c Tc 7h]

chaz_man_chaz checks

TheAssassinato has 15 seconds left to act

TheAssassinato bets 516,725

chaz_man_chaz calls 516,725

*** TURN *** [5c Tc 7h] [2s]

chaz_man_chaz checks

TheAssassinato has 15 seconds left to act

TheAssassinato has requested TIME

TheAssassinato bets 1,142,503

chaz_man_chaz has 15 seconds left to act

chaz_man_chaz has requested TIME

chaz_man_chaz calls 1,142,503

*** RIVER *** [5c Tc 7h 2s] [7s]

vivir el sueno (Observer): noodows!!!!!!!!!!!

chaz_man_chaz checks

kate1988 (Observer): n1

Oleg_J10 (Observer): all in

altybb (Observer): ooooooooooooooooooo

Aminita love (Observer): ALLIN

altybb (Observer): gl

michigan83dl (Observer): sick

Oleg_J10 (Observer): all innnnn

TheAssassinato has 15 seconds left to act

altybb (Observer): scared card lo

ademgokill3 (Observer): short stacks loving this

TheAssassinato has requested TIME

altybb (Observer): 2mio

TheAssassinato bets 3,176,065, and is all in

chaz_man_chaz has 15 seconds left to act

chaz_man_chaz has requested TIME

chaz_man_chaz has timed out

chaz_man_chaz folds

chaz_man_chaz is sitting out

Uncalled bet of 3,176,065 returned to TheAssassinato

TheAssassinato shows [8c 3h] a pair of Sevens

TheAssassinato wins the pot (4,743,576)

Wrigly13 (Observer): fold already

Phorce 8 (Observer): booom

*** SUMMARY ***

Total pot 4,743,576 | Rake 0

Board: [5c Tc 7h 2s 7s]

Seat 1: TheAssassinato (button) collected (4,743,576)

Seat 4: chaz_man_chaz (small blind) folded on the River

Seat 5: holdplz (big blind) folded before the Flop

Seriously, it was a sick spot for him. I just felt like his calls preflop and on the flop really let me know it wasn't more than a pair. He'd been taking his time and making great plays, seriously he played back at me the most, but he timed down most of the spots. He kind of snapped me a couple times at the beginning and I was just positive it was a one pair type of hand, really a lot of tens, which I thought would fold to a triple barrel. I also thought just with the dynamics at the table (we'd been going at each other a lot and I'd 4bet with air previously) that he was calling pre/flop really light. When he called on the turn I just really didn't feel like he had it. It just...it sounds like BS but people wait to certain arbitrary numbers when they're tanking a real hand and I didn't feel it this time. I prayed for a river card I could bluff and I thought the 7 was sick. I thought for sure he'd fold any 10 for his tournament. Leaving himself with 3 mil was still a ton for this stage. I bucked up and went for it, and thank god it worked, because I probably would have killed myself if it hadn't.

I had a real chip lead going into the final table because I got away with so much after that bluff, but...I got 1 outted for 130 BBs out of 180 in play or something. Blah, blah.

Just happy my friends and I could share in this. So nice to send them some checks.

Speaking of which I've blabbed long enough on this blog for today, and I got ship some money back home. Then I gotta shower for a dinner tonight with the girlfriend. Should probably clean this house a little too.

Thank all of you who stayed up till 6 AM cheering me on. You guys are incredible. You kept me awake when I was zoning out.