I Laugh Cuz' You Pigs Ain't Caught On Yet

Commerce, USA

At night I had country fried steak and fries at Denny's.

Today I had Country Fried steak and eggs.

I really do need to jog again. I jogged yesterday, and I need it again.

I read some David Sedaris and thought about the 10-8 suited hand yesterday. That probably was a big mistake. I seldom do a light fivebet online, unless its just an obvious reg who needs to 4bet me because over weeks I've been 3betting the shit out of him. I would have bet my left nut he didn't want action, I didn't know that meant AK and he was going to snap and berate me. I guess if I can find any solace in how I played I believe you should be running and gunning at that stage. It's about final 3, and having a big stack going into the money bubble...I could increase my chips so much.

Still, the more I study HHs and poker, the more I'm convinced much of what Negreanu said 5 years ago is right. It's about playing tons of small pots in position. I could've just flatted the guy. I increased my variance, which could have resulted in a large stack, but...I just didn't plan. I told myself I was folding to a 4bet but a 4bet was coming frequently and I knew I could find the 5bet should I pick up on some body language. It's so hard when a person hates you to differentiate between real fear and just disgust.

I feel like I played bad but god that's the tippity top of his range. QQ through AA were not in there, dollars to donuts I'd bewt that. I have one of the tens so TT is unlikely. JJ would kill me but would make perfect sense. I seriously thought the way he put the chips in that he was DEMANDING fold from me, and the 4bet was so big. Most guys of his skill level go "another 20" there not 26k splash it in and stare me down cuz FUCK YOU 3BETTING ME KID!!! Even when he has AK I am 35% there. He's folding 70% of the time, I'm convinced of that, so my play has to be profitable.

This is just an instance of a hand I can justify but I'm not sure if I should have just flatted and not tried to play another small pot. That's the lower variance way to do it, and you still have a very good chance at being profitable. God I suck. Or I'm still learning.

It was infuriating. I had such a good table to start the day. I chipped up so nicely and then just gambled liked that.

Hell if I saw he had AK I might have done the same play is the sick part! This is the same kind of guy who will splash around and then go "AK is a drawing hand" 30% of the time, and then when he does call I'm not dead in the water by any means.

Anyways after that I had a little less than 20k. I won a flip at a new table, and then won another flip plus change after that to get back up to 100k. As stupid as this thinking is I was thinking "okay it's fine now because I'm close to where I started".

Unfortunately I just never really got going. I never really connected with a flop. I felt like I ran into a lot of hands. I was bluffing a lot going into the day but I just never felt like anyone was going to fold to me. They looked so comfortable with raising it was maddening. I can do something when nobody has it, or somebody doesn't completely have it, but when I flat out have nothing and they have the joint what the hell am I supposed to do?

Really, I felt fine about this tournament, because I didn't pick up shit. I ran pretty good yesterday winning one big flip and sucking out on a shortstack, but I never got a premium hand this tournament, and I still chipped up stupidly. I've gotten to the point I don't need real hands to make money, and I should just be proud of that.

Eventually I got it in with Ty Reiman with A-J to 7-7 and didn't get there. It was just an overall frustrating day of poker but I have no ill feelings, even towards the annoying guy. I just wish I could keep playing.

I love my life and feel blessed to do something I really enjoy. I've been working on my game so much over the last year. Going broke was the best thing that could have happened to me. I got up every morning and worked with a new student, analyzing a HH. I'd go through HHs on my own time and highlight shit. I worked out why I 3bet jam, why I open, why I double barrel here, everything. It's incredible to me I did so well just guessing on much of this. Learning the reasons behind everything, solidifying my theories, and practicing it...it's an incredible feeling of power. People just don't outplay me like they used to. I have every move backed up, and it allows me to take so much more money out of the game than I should be able to.

I just feel so different. It's really weird to have had been loaded on something or another literally almost every day for the last three years. I'd be awake all day and all night, partying, gambling high as hell, whatever. Life was a mile a minute. Now I'm chilling in my Super 8 thinking how smart I am because it's 50 bucks a night and comes with a desk, high speed internet, and free coffee. I'm trying to hook up my boy with money on a foreign site. I'm trying to cut some videos for Pwnage. I'm trying to do a lesson for a new student. I'm trying to write in my book. I'm answering 60 business emails I've accrued over the last couple days. I'm trying to work. I'm trying to blog because I feel the need to write write write my thoughts, and apparently some people enjoy reading it. I'm going to learn how to publish on the new guerilla site later today and then we'll publish that thing and see where that goes. I'm trying to jog, hit the weight room, call my girl up, call my stepdad, call my mom, call my sister. I'm trying to book more flights, move more money, build on it all yo.

I'm addicted. Standing here with my headphones listening to tracks about grinding your ass off.

Pull the infected tooth out and throw it out on the road because I don't want the pain slowing me down. Forget curing it.

I either trip because I'm so grateful I have so much I could potentially work on at any one moment or I get pissed because I feel so unbalanced. Managing my emotions is not something that comes naturally to me. You grow up how I grew up you shortcircuit and burn out different parts of your brain. You seek outside stimuli to control the floods for which you possess no levee. That's why so many addicts turn to prayer after having to replace whatever it was they used to pick up. It's external. It regulates.

My goals and my work fill me and keep me happy. I'm involved in a new charity that makes me even more motivated. Yet it's all...very real world now. I'm not partying in the matrix anymore.

I'm infinitely more content, but the blasts of artificial delusional happiness are gone and I have the spent brain cells to prove it.

The game is my drug now. I feel so relaxed in combat. I love the pressure of big money. I love the competition. I love fucking with people, and being the only one who knows how much I'm getting away with.

I love the feeling of isolated and cold calculation. It calms my neuroses.

So when I lose I don't even care about the loss of a chance at huge money as much as I miss just playing. I really do love this game. I used to tell people I hated my job, but that was bullshit. I had ruined my life and forgotten to keep poker in perspective. I love it as my profession now, my craft. I want to practice. I want to craft a masterpiece.