猿も木から落ちる

San Jeronimo, Costa Rica

I made money over the weekend finishing 3rd in a Sunday $100.00 donkament. I really felt on fire in the tournament. The fear I used to have making big bluffs is gone. I feel so much more secure with myself and my game. Before I was eerily aware of how off-the-rails I was in life and in poker, and constantly afraid of doing something that would cause people in the industry for the 342nd time to go "well that's why Alex is a dumbass." I had so many late tournament blow outs that I was just afraid to triple barrel bluff and constantly reraise and 4bet light. Now that's gone. I get away with so much it baffles me. I feel in a different world now.

I felt like I earned every chip I got. Then I ran a really insane bluff fourhanded in the donkament to knock myself down. I built back up, but lost some flips, and instead of winning for 35k I took third for 20k.

I was appreciative for it but I cashed in the 2k FTOPs and had two cashes in the FTOPs Main Event. I really played like shit in one spot during one of the deep runs, which pissed me off. I was tired. My tooth got infected suddenly over the last couple days. The gum turned black on Sunday. I feel like there's always something trying to hold me back. I swallowed down a bunch of painkillers but I felt so tired. It felt like there was an open aching wound in my mouth, and what was spewing out of it tasted infected. It wore me out, but when I played bad in the money of a tournament with $1.2 million for first it just really pissed me off.

When I get tired I make loose calls of rejams which I shouldn't do. I gamble more. It really really pisses me off. I know I've been so profitable lately, actually to the point of stupidity, but I think I do well because I'm completely insane when it comes to analyzing my game. I never pat myself on the back. If you watch my Pokerpwnage videos you'll hear me actually hate some of my plays.

Speaking of which ImaHustla1 helped me fetch the FTOPs HH. It got really messed up in my HEM. I will be doing vid on that for Pwnage soon. I actually am planning of doing a lot of videos soon for Pwnage. I have a couple 100rs to review. I think I'm going to do the 100 cubed because it has way more interesting hands. The FTOPs will be great. I bluffed more in that tournament than maybe any other I've played. I just felt like everybody would be so worried about making a mistake with so much of the poker world watching that I could get away with a lot. I love making the videos because it gives me a way to review my play and define what I think about poker.

I also have a bitching new concept video coming out. My girlfriend has the Powerpoint 99% of the way done. I have a ton of hands I plucked from so many different tournaments. I really think it will be a huge addition to the poker video world.

I really just need to hole up in my room and pound out a ton of video one day.

Really the challenge now isn't finding work. It's choosing what I want to do. Seems crazy when I think back on when I really had zero options, nothing going for me. Seems weird thinking about back when I was just a mediocre grinder. It's wild remembering I was completely bust half a year back. Now boom, all of this. Business, binks in MTTs, side projects.

My girl's been holding me down real well. Seriously I've made so much in the last few months, and she's really a big part of it. She comes over on Sundays to cook for me, and to just chill with me, listening to my music at the stupidly high volume I have it on. Just having her around makes me approach things more professionally. She gets so excited and watches all my deep runs. It's incredible to have someone who has a college degree and her own business take time out of her schedule to support me like that.

But yeah...seriously, mind's just been racing. There's so much to do every day. I don't know where to start.

The only big new thing I've been focusing on is writing. There is nothing harder than creative writing. What I write here is just my racing thoughts. Actually crafting a story, developing characters, setting the atmosphere, capturing the thoughts of teenagers, creating the thoughts of experiences you never actually lived...it's difficult. I sit back and look at the mountains outside here and just try to picture what I'm writing. It's exhausting. I think I'll end up ripping this manuscript to shreds too. I think it's interesting, what I'm writing, but people will want to move on to the drug-fueled games at the end.

It's weird because I don't have the time to just grind cash nonstop like I was doing but it's refreshing. I never thought at 23 I'd be writing a novel on a mountain porch in Costa Rica. I feel really blessed.

You know I used to tell people about what I was doing on this blog. I'd tell the bizarre stories around me, sound off on my impressions. There's just so few hours in the day. I get on here and I just can think of all the projects I'm working on. I guess this is how I like life, but it's weird to be so sober and...busy with outside projects.

Website's still coming.

***

Jacob Todd and Kelly Noland's "Somehow." My drug now is playing music so so so loud at all hours of the day.

I turn this track on until it fills my entire house. I lay my head back on my couch, close my eyes, and vibe.

You know, when I was on drugs, all I listened to was the hardest tracks from Three Six Mafia and Snowgoons. At the beginning I loved all music when I was high. I loved taking apart every little part of the score. Then, gradually, slowly, I just got slow. It was as if I was a computer that wasn't recognizing 70% of the files. Ben would play all this great music for me, and I'd just not even process it.

Now, sober, I love every track again. I listen to different music all day. I feel so much more into it. I get so excited on Sundays listening to album after album.

I'm into it again. I feel good.