Damn

After Proof died and at the height of his drug addiction supposedly. Sick leak.

Yo Pz Qualm Whas Happenin'

Dun dun dun dun.

Voom.

Dun dun dun dun.

Imma be here till the end.

Alpha omega.

***

San Jose, Costa Rica

I can't write a damn thing.

I just had another frustrating Sunday. They're all frustrating when you get close and don't get there. I'm wildly insecure about my game even though I know few match me in my analytical process. I watch and rewatch my HHs and second guess. Yes, it's profitable, but how does it fit into our whole plan, and if you decrease variance here what spot is likely to open up with this stat read out, what order in the breaking order are you, how much would a new player effect those new opportunities. Maybe I should just give up and accept if each bet was profitable you played a profitable tournament. But there's more. And the poker tournament hasn't been solved. Since I skated by with a high school education I have no clue how to mathematically express it. But God help me I can't stop thinking about it.

I just got back from a trip to the beach with my girlfriend. I was happy when it turned out there was no internet around. I haven't chilled that much in a while. I was so happy to be away from the computer. I just laid on the beach, swam a bit, watched an army of hermit crabs march the beach, climbed some hills, walked in the sand, had some mango gelato, and generally hung out. I even got to watch a movie - One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. Not too shabby.

I got on my computer. The new website I'm a part of is moving forward. Jack and I are looking to get that done soon as possible. I got a host of emails to get to. I'm considering hiring my girlfriend as my assistant since she saves my ass daily anyway and I really should be giving her some money to save. Like she's already got a savings in her early 20s and her own practice and I don't know what day it is half the time. I mean, I do, (it's grinding donkaments day/it's lessons and cash day/it's other obligations day), but I don't (Tuesday?) If I think about it for a second I'll get it, but that's the day of the week. What airline I'm on, when I'm flying to the next event, what money I'm going to need for the side events, if the hotel is booked, if I got back to my students, how many lessons I have tomorrow - if it's not written down it's not happening. Then I gotta study Spanish. I can't remember shit in English.

That's been rewarding. I had a conversation with one of my girlfriend's good friends recently who I've never really talked to. The conversation was incredibly basic, but I've always struggled with foreign languages so it meant something to me. Being able to say simple sentences is addicting. I can understand a lot of what people are saying around me now.

Yet I go to turn on my crap prepaid cell here and it needs a code. I have no idea where the card is for my phone that has the number. Why the hell do they need codes to turn the phone on here?

And there's a bag of laundry I left at the lavanderia a week ago I just remembered.

I'm excited to start this new website. I'm sure there will be plenty of me rambling, but there will be some more focused articles too. Jack is an incredible writer and I'll be really happy to work alongside him.

I'm into working again. I gotta get back on my game. I hope bringing in people to do the website, handle emails, move things will take some of the stress off me. So I can just focus on working. For the new year I'm planning to record every expense, every lesson, every hour worked, budget my time more effectively. My girlfriend and I've been working on it. She has to allocate all her own appointments and school so she's been helping me straighten out a bit.

I wake up now and try to be appreciative for all the work I have to make me money. I had nothing a few months ago. I gave so much to try and put my friends on...and at the end I had close to nothing. I mean I gave everything I had. I was cross buzzing away through a lot of it but man, you come to, look around, you have nothing. I made money through all the stress but...ugh, I can't even think about it without getting moody and depressed. So much of my life and money gone.

The last few months...I think of it as like my morning jog. I just go full speed through these neighborhoods, sloped concrete, jutting mini supers, overgrown weeds on a park, cracked concrete basketball court. It's tougher now, but you're there to collect miles.

I've been really really pissed off, and just trying to grind with that fervor. Now the anger's going away. I realize I can't move in this world like somebody owes me something. You gotta be willing to give. I'm looking to give my time and my mind to this work right now, in the hopes it can take me to the financial freedom to work on the dreams I had as a little little kid, and maybe can help some people in the process. I've been up, I've been down, but I'll never be out if I can solidify what my real reason for working is. If you're looking to give yourself to what you love, the mere act of getting on it is reason enough to be satisfied. If you're trying to reach somewhere it's like someone keeps dragging the goal posts.

And I felt refreshed when I came home, but I'm tired again just looking at everything there is to do. So I have to change my attitude.

I like working for myself, and have to appreciate the feeling of being overwhelmed. Pop off. I'll never stop feeling like the plebian who cracked the code. Just eating feels like a luxury to me. And I'm kind of out of it. Perpetually. A severe case as the doctor said (and oh how I love those words). But yeah, I'm always a little shocked I can do videos, fly the world to do the big tournaments, grind all these weird networks, write a column for a magazine I used to read while I was commercial fishing and just dreaming about this, do lessons, make websites. To actually make money from thinking about what game I want to cut completely open, and won't stop till it's paid me a million.

But then I can't write in my book. Because all day is a hustle. Like...I know I can ride this out again. I've beaten this before. This will lead to books published, a full website devoted to my friends and mine's work, my teaching continuing to sell, and profits. Profits, profits, profits. My game is incredible right now, and straight-faced the best it's ever been. I'm agonizing and reviewing again, no more stoned and can't be bothered to teach my own horses. I've built privately, but I'm hungry to crush again. I want a big tournament score and as usual in my world there's more opportunities coming. I just gotta stay sober, stay focused, and keep enjoying it.

Sorry. But not. I need to rant to hype myself up. I needed something to write after hyping myself up for going after it again tomorrow. I got a real busy month here. Going to be grinding every day of PCA to finally make some live money beyond mincashing. Going to be grinding every day at home. Have a good New Years everyone. I can't wait to eat my 12 grapes here.

***

You know I had this moment...

My girlfriend and I were walking down this country road in Costa Rica at night. I love the way the soft green light of an ancient city system reflected off of abandoned barnyards. The sound of gravel crunching beneath your feet. The flit as an iguana dashes across. The skies crossed by a pile of trash burning. How I could walk real white trash style without my shirt on, holding a drained bottle of the cheapest wine they had at a corner store. We talked about life. I asked her, "how many Americans do you think would ever walk down this road." Her answer, the right answer: almost none. Culture of Fear. Be scared of your own damn shadow. Stay inside.

I love feeling what others would call poor holding that bottle, looking at the moon, with a girl who doesn't want Prada but is fine dressing in a simple Tica blouse. How she's free enough to do that Arabic dancing at night, looking like something out of all the books I read as a kid, which I never thought would be my life.

I love feeling rich thinking about all the weird roads I've been down on in only 22 years, and in Thailand, Germany, Korea, Brazil, 30 countries, whatever. I been all over this motherfucker. Call me anything, because Asperger's kid on perma-drugged mode said and did some really stupid things, but there's a written record of a traveling pro, and all my idiocy just made the story arc that more compelling. I've done it, and it keeps going. I'm so excited. I had so much fun just chilling in a beach town with my girl, all mellow, and I was sober. Sober me is a killer me. I don't care how long it takes, because it's going to be taken.

I'm feeling it. I'm feeling.

Kick Tanks

San Jose, Costa Rica

So I got a minute to write here before my girlfriend comes over for my mandated chill out. I wake up and just start working. I tell myself I will shower but I have so much I want to get working on I just hop out of bed and do it. I have two meetings today. I set up a lesson with a man from around here. I answered twenty emails. I woke up late because I grinded for four or five hours. I had a fish spewing to me, it was hard to leave. I sleep eight hours a night. My addiction is food and coffee. I'm not even drinking a beer when I watch TV now. Just reading.

I feel really good. I haven't had one of my breakdowns I was having so much once I got sober. I'm taking a multivitamin every morning that is making me feel more mellow. I can feel the difference.

So yesterday my girlfriend and I went Christmas shopping. We stopped at one of the best rice and beans places I've ever been to. I'm addicted to fish now, which I hope is good because I've always heard fish could cure global warming, end the recession, and oh it helps you live longer and have a more acute brain as well.

There are few things in life that make you appreciate the world more than accidentally swallowing a really hot chili. I saw out of The Matrix for a few minutes. My eyes watered. My life flashed before my eyes. My stomach fell out of my burning ass. My soul almost left my body. Then I had a platano. I swallowed water. I chilled. The pain went away, and I felt like I had been given a second life.

I noticed walking around here that there are a lot of handicapped and elderly people out and about. They don't seem ashamed to go out like in the 90210-mirror that is America. They have their community events. They smile. It makes me happy to see.

#1 THING I WANT WHEN I WIN BIG AGAIN: a 1,000 of those A&W root beer candies.

It's weird in Costa Rica how people just stare. We always look at our feet or pretend to be looking at something above us in America. Here, if people find you peculiar, they'll stare till you stare back. And then 20% of them will just keep mean mugging you. Or inquisitive mugging you.

Million dollar idea. I made like Maynard and formed a perfect circle the other day. What about a site called poopart.com? Where people just sent in their most artistic pics of their shit? Yes, the idea is retarded. Would you not just check out the site to see that it exists? It'd be like shotgunrules.org, only with something people would guffaw at more. Hell, Two Girls One Cup is known by everyone, which makes no sense to me, since Germany has had cameras around for ages. It could be the next idea like that guy who made an app for the iPhone that just makes an incredibly annoying noise, and he makes so much off advertising now.

I don't have enough interest in this idea to pursue it. Contact me if you do because I expect royalties. Even if I have no legal grounds to do so, you would be a nice guy to cut me a check for giving you a cash cow. You're welcome.

I've been enjoying work a little more lately. Even though I've been sucking in tournaments. I'm getting checks consistently from all my side businesses and from cash. The tournament thing will work out eventually. Every morning I wake up more into it.

I tried the last week to change my attitude. I realized I was constantly feeling like my effort wasn't enough because at the end of every day I always had a lot more to do. Since I gave up on backing...well when it happened I was crushed. I gave a year of my life and hundreds of thousands trying to put my friends on, and I didn't like how it ended. I played too hard, I was too nice in other areas, I wasn't there mentally, and I had self-medication problems. When it was over I felt like I'd lost a couple years of my life. How hard I'd grinded in Europe to get that money I made at the tail end, then that year after it took to lose it. I was devastated. But more than anything I felt bored. It was going to be back to the grindstone. Back to where I was at 19.

But it's not like that, and I should feel thankful.

I'm trying to change how I view things. I try not to feel overwhelmed, but more grateful that I have so many different ways to make money when I wake up each day. The problem is scheduling, keeping things together. And I don't seem to make a lot of headway on any one thing, so that's gotta end.

***

Just left this up on my computer for days. Oops. Gotta grind the Sundays now.

But I Roll With It

This Game Owes (Owns) Me

San Jose, Costa Rica

It's a cold world. Better get your pea coat.

Write an email in Spanish to a businessman who wants to learn from you. Get a move on your website, emails back and forth. Teach your Czech student. Rebook, re-up. Spend three hours writing a new concept lesson for Pokerpwnage. Send it off to the girlfriend, get the first draft of the powerpoint. It looks amazing.

Combined with the HHs I picked out today, I will make one of the best training videos ever made for tournament poker. And I will line my pockets.

Study Spanish for three hours. I have index cards all over my bed. I'm falling asleep writing new ones.

I played bad on Sunday. I let this kid from Guanacaste ask me some questions while I was playing. I liked his company but I shouldn't have been talking to anyone during mass grind on a Sunday. Then I just got out of my element. The dude left but I never got back on. It pissed me off in a way I rarely get pissed off. But then again I flipped out of everything. Lesson learned. You can't leave every session feeling like you played your best. I forgot my meds and didn't realize it, allowed distractions, ran badly...one of the sessions is going to happen once in a while. Just I always want to go deep. My girlfriend says I put so much pressure on myself for Sunday. I just want my money, and to prove something at the same time. Because sometimes I feel like a broke joke. My bad decisions haunt me.

My girlfriend's parents brought over a TV I bought from them today. Real nice of them. I like having a TV and recliner.

They brought me these dried banana things, oh my god, so delicious. They spoil me so much.

I actually cooked for myself. Fish and rice. I took your advice sir, I drank 5 sips of water to every drink of OJ. Well, guess you wanted me to mix them, but sugary goodness much be preserved.

I turned on the TV while I ate my dinner for twenty minutes. That was the extent of my free time today. I watched Colin Powell on Larry King live. Has there ever been a more colorless individual? You have no opinion on anything, please just STFU, no one cares that you delicately can restate issues.

Infinita

I got bored today and decided to run full speed through a crowded strip mall called Nova Centro. I felt like I was in one of those bad 80's montages. I had to duck and weave like I was Bart Simpson in a video game. I did the route in record time, with five jukes that left me nearly hitting someone. It was awesome.

I saw a mouse in my apartment today. Then another. Right as I was thinking how bad ass this place is.

I saw a spider the other day the size of my hand. When I hit it with my shoes it's guts sprayed a solid foot. I described the yellow color, furry long legs, and look of it to my girlfriend. She said that was the baby. The mother's somewhere. Marvelous. I love you Costa Rica.

Tohu Va Vohu

San Jose, Costa Rica

They light off fireworks through the whole month of December here.

I was eating a Toblerone and drinking OJ from the carton. I seem to finish a carton per day. Probably not the greatest thing but I don't drink soda anymore. I was thinking about what a waste it was. The wrapping of the chocolate inside a box. You go camping and you have to pack all your waste, and that's the only time you really think about what effect you're having. Because you might have to pay a fine.

Didn't the human race exist for a long period of time as hunter-gatherers? We were closer to mammals than parasites in that instance. Now agriculture harvests the land for everything, till we have seven billion people living on an earth that supports 1 billion naturally. If you shifted all food to organics tomorrow 30% of people would starve to death.

I get all these numbers from Penn and Teller: Bullshit and Jared Diamond. No idea how legit all of it is.

I was thinking what if you had a little tin case. The first time you bought a specific company's chocolate you got a disposable wrapper, the second time if you brought in a coupon, that was valid for a few months (to show you're a semi regular consumer) then you get a little reusable tin. For the rest of your life you can use that tin and the chocolate is cheaper. It's government mandated that there must be a discount.

How long have we been trying to implement the Metric system in America? Meh, this will probably never happen. Or anything remotely close to it.

I was reading a book a good good friend gave to me called Sex God. Any time I read a book I want the opposite book to read as well. If I read a conspiracy theory book I read the normal account as well. I hated conservatives when I was younger but I forced myself to read some of their books. I was actually shocked at a couple, and realized some conservatives have some really rational arguments, and then some others are just so ridiculous I couldn't keep from laughing and throwing the book across my room at the wall.

Then again there's liberals that ticket SUV-owners for destroying the environment before hopping into their private jet.

So yeah, I read Sex At Dawn, which was the most barren depressing cynical view on human relationships you could ever expose yourself to. Sex God's written by a pastor, has a religious edge to it, but just makes some good points. I'm enjoying it thus far. While a bunch of it has me going, "uhmmmm...no," I just enjoy having another perspective. I get obsessive about everything.

There's just really good points and it keeps me thinking. One part I found interesting was even people who don't believe in God can agree that humans should be connected. He got into some of his reasons why humans need to share and he had some excellent points. I like learning from anyone. Thinking. Turning ideas around. I saw the whole pretty negative Laissez-faire view on human relationships with evolutionary psychology literature, and now this is hokier but more positive. More just the thoughts of a positive individual who seeks to connect humans.

All my firmly atheist friends crave human attention. Don't call me anything, because I have no clue. Other than mind and soul are connected, and if you build, if you think, you strengthen the soul. Or that's what I think.

Today I put in a half day. Worked a two hour session with one of my students. Answered 50-something emails. I said I'd go see my girlfriend and her family for an hour or two, but I ended up hanging out there till way too late for me to put in a session and still wake up for Sundays. I'm so happy every time I go there. They really have a beautiful home. Naty's mom is just such a sweet woman. She's not afraid to make any joke, always puts her best foot forward, and cooks the best meals I've ever had in my life. Seriously, what she cooks after putting in a whole day of work many people would consider a feast only meant for special occasions. All the food is just so fresh and healthy, delicious. I wish I could describe the dinner I had tonight, but for one of the first times in my life I feel like words fail me. Perfectly sautéd fish, an egg salad mixed with greens, spaghetti with little cubes of fresh blanco cheese, rice and beans made with no extra salt, just that fresh taste, and for dessert fried cinnamon platanos with vanilla ice cream. Then she sends me home with more food and torta chillena.

I can have really good conversations with everyone in the family. Her stepfather has some mind-twisting ideas he disperses if you pay attention, and her brother and I get along pretty well. We all just chill out, play some card games, eat great food, watch TV, talk. We watched that second Prince of Egypt, Joseph, and some subtitle. What a trip that was to watch in Spanish. The Van Goh-ish artwork was beautiful. Then I watched Beauty and the Beast in Espanol, which was a trip. I didn't realize how crazy good the animation was in the old Disney movies, and my girlfriend could sing the whole thing, which was trippy.

I know it all sounds so boring, and if I read this a couple years a go I'd go 'what a wuss', but man, I love having people I can hang out with when poker gets tough. I put a lot of money together recently, and with my friends and family being more secure, me being dead sober, I feel so much happier. It was so nice going home for Thanksgiving and seeing how happy my whole family was, how good it was to be with all of them. My mom's made so much with herself lately, my sister's doing good, stepdad, aunt, uncle. There were times we were pretty poor and things were pretty lean. Nice to see everyone's doing alright now. I guess it was always on the back of my mind.

Reading this book I'm struck by how right the guy was about what people do when there is a lack of connection. How they respond to certain disparities with indulgence in other areas. The guy writes very simply but makes some good points (amidst some cheesier ones).

You think about it. You live in air conditioning, you live in electronically-modified AIR. You have fluorescent LIGHT. Genetically modified FOOD. Then you go home and instead of the fire where everyone had to talk together, you got Facebook, Xbox Live, Pokerstars. Sesame Street prepared you to never ever be able to concentrate. I'm fascinated by the long term effects and the few people who seem to be resistant to it. Even if some things about them can irk me.

A New York Jew, A Dane, and a Puerto Rican Completely Destroy One Of The Sickest Beats I've Ever Heard

Can't Stop Counting

I sit outside my apartment complex, chilling with the night. Looking at the church in the distance, the large steel gates everyone has around their windows, the broken concrete sidewalk. I'm wearing a white beanie and a plane white tee. I feel very white.

They say break a leg...

...too bad we got off on the wrong foot

San Jose, Costa Rica

At the tournament I was playing I had unlimited free drinks. Since I'm poor white trash I fully took advantage of the situation (that'll teach people to be good to me again). Then it occurred to me after a couple hours that I couldn't feel a drink. I never drink that much, but usually if you just give me free booze I'll take advantage of it. I thought there was nothing in them. Then, it was just this dawning moment. There's no point to me doing this anymore. It makes me feel kind of sick sometimes and I don't even feel anything good. It's like how I felt at the end of smoking, uppers, downers. It didn't make anything better anymore. I was feeling 1% of what I felt at the beginning. I mean, I like it, but it's just...not much there anymore.

Then I went to a professional. I told her the full extent of what I've done to my body. Maybe one of three people I've done that with. It doesn't really hit you what's gone on till you're saying it to a complete stranger who you haven't developed a trusting relationship with. She looked at me as if I teleported directly from Mars. Yeah, yeah, till four months ago, I was fucked up on something almost every day of my adult life. No, I did not consider this really that bad till recently.

Lowest moments? Being dry in Malta, sick from drinking every night, so making some concoction with their super strength pharmaceuticals. Huffing shit. Yeah.

So apparently all of this stuff wrecks your nervous system. Shocking. Oh the irony, you're a nervous mess who sucks around people who wants to break out of your shell, so you start with all this crap, and it ends up frying you even more.

So I figured the hell with it. I'll quit resisting. No more of anything for a while. Maybe a beer once in a while, but I'm feeling this detox.

You want a real drug? Go into a bar dead sober and start talking with people. If you need to be social don't be a puss, just go and take the rejection of a hundred douchebags. That's the only reason why so many people do this crap. I see 16-year-olds who already rely on alcohol as a crutch. I used to be addicted to cards and just trying to do goofy crap in life, write a story in my mind every day that was worth living. I wish I stuck to that. There's no firmer drug than just going out and meeting new people and trying to have fun without a lot of this. I know, I know, it sounds so cheesy, but I can't remember any of the crap I did. I can remember when I manned up and went out and just met new people on my own.

Every day I do a lesson. Every day I don't want to do a lesson. I get queasy at talking on the phone. I want to just stick with my little games, make money without opening my mouth. I get nervous talking to people. Then I start talking and it's easy. It's talking cards with people who love the game. Ten minutes in I always feel so relieved I'm working with people.

I don't mean to sound preachy or anything. I'm just analyzing everything around me again. Over and over. I stopped drinking anything while I was moving in. I felt great today. I started making my coffee with this spice people swear by here helps calm your nerves. Just the smell and taste is nice. I feel more calibrated but that could be getting back to work, waking up a little fresher (I think I'm a little allergic to alcohol and even a couple beers has me feeling blah in the morning), and doing that.

Still, I felt good today. I woke up and ate at the soda, eggs and rice and beans. Down some OJ. Make a pot of organic coffee with that one spice. Do my daily lesson, this time with a new kid from Portugal. Jesus, how fast these guys learn now. I gave this guy some of my normal tests and he just tore them to shreds. He brought up points I forgot to bring up. Fiery up-and-comers keep me on my game. After that I put in some cash hours. Then I spent some chill time with the girlfriend. Ate some non-healthy food for the first time in a bit, but man Coke tastes delicious when you have one a week, not five a day. Last night I ate fish with salad. Tonight I ate fish with vegetables and rice and salad. Got some fresh juice with it. Just eating natural food is helping me a ton.

I didn't realize it, but addictions need fuel. I was "casually" drinking a lot, eating junk food for two meals a day, drinking so much sugar and crap.

Got in more hours. Went and jogged four miles. I jogged seven on Monday and Thursday. I'm on pace to get 25 miles of road work in a week. Got in more hours.

Hell, I even got to see an episode of Nip/Tuck. Like are people serious, are there really seven seasons of this shit? It's a soap opera, and I feel like I should be ashamed of myself for wasting brain cells on this crap.

Adam Carolla is what's keeping me grinding so many hours. I just like how the guy has this "get work done" attitude amidst his humor. He's talking about comedy shows getting booked, I think of lessons. He talks about doing his TV shows I think of doing my videos. He talks about publishing his book I think of my Bluff articles. Then he's got his general grind with the podcast. Of course he makes 100x more than I do, but it's nice feeling like you're out their on your own making it. Booking all these flights and hotels for live events and not sweating it. You're on tour, you got a nice pad, you're stockpiling.

Today was a good feeling. I worked all day, but still got some time to chill, and watch crappy TV. Still I felt on it. I got a lot of money together today. It's addictive. An hour of this gets me $X, hit an hour of that after for $Y. I'm sooo much more chill when I play cards now too. I used to have to bent 24/7 to keep myself from slitting my wrists I was so bored with poker. I really was just messed up, I don't get it, this game actually is pretty enjoyable when you're more balanced out. It just seemed so boring and ass backwards for a long time. I was putting so much pressure on myself to get what I felt I deserved, and yeah, guess I never ran ungodly. Had some good runs but of course, I blew it, then wanted to blame other people, or just the game in general. Now I seem to have accepted my situation a little more. Now I'm into it.

Man the new Snowgoons Kraftwerk has some sick cuts. I'm sad there's not more from Qualm and Lord Lhus, and I almost cried when I saw there was no Viro track. I think they were trying to put on a bunch of new artists before putting out some artist-specific CDs. While it's great to hear new cats like Natural Born Spitters completely destroy a track I was dying for some of their staple emcees. I guess I was also just hoping for some more sick collabs. I still want to hear Vinnie Paz on a Snowgoons track. I'm dying for Jus Allah's next "Gunz". There are usually some surprise guest appearances, but not so much here. My other criticism would be that I really like their focus on incredible lyricists, and I didn't feel the same "wow that was heavy" vibe when hearing most of the verses here.

What you get is some really incredible hip hop however. While there isn't as much on the spiritual side, this is an awesome album to play a final few tables of a tournament, or work out too. I want to tear crap off my wall every time I hear this album. It's just solid horror core.

IM HAPPY AS A PIG IN POOP IN DISNEYLAND FOO!!!!

NintendoCore

Just Move And Make It Happen

San Jose, Costa Rica

I wish there were 50 hours in a day.

I have been moving. I played a local tournament here as "an online champion." Was good times till I sucked. I got my Spanish teacher and started cramming. I went to the dentist to get my teeth partially fixed. I went to a therapist who told me to stop drinking, and that I blew my nervous system apart with everything I did. That my outbursts lately have been actual physical withdrawal. Nice. I got a cell phone, which was kind of pain in the ass to do here since I'm not a citizen and all.

We think we've found the newest additions to our online venture. It's increasingly hard for me to publish anything in this blog knowing I'm moving to something (hopefully) way more sophisticated. I'm into rebranding. If that's a word/commonly accepted term. I'm excited about the people we've picked. I think it's possible we could make a website that's really entertaining, different, and a place where I can put my work and promote myself.

I also had my internet not work at all in my new place. So I put my desk outside and use my landlord's internet. I listen to the river run. I work longer hours. Like being on the balcony of Malta. Only now in a Costa Rican apartment complex. The cold air keeps me alert. Keeps me grinding.

I always feel like I should be doing more. I'm trying to wake up with the attitude that there isn't an endless list of things for me to get done that never do, but I have an endless number of things that can make me money. I just gotta get to work now that I'm done moving.

I like all the space I have in this freakishly cheap apartment. Big living room, spiral staircase to an observatory, fireplace, large outdoor area, a garden with a lemon tree and a stone table. Perfect for my needs right now. I was going insane in my grind hole.

Genre: Nu Metal

40 Below Summer - Self Medicate - MyVideo

Inaction Will Kill

San Jose, Costa Rica

The problem that held me back in poker is while it was always my profession, it was also a form of self-medication. When I'm playing my mind can't stop exploring all the connections. The reason I hated poker when I turned about 20 was I stopped finding as many new ones. This was because I was too lazy/stupid to do the hard work that is required in finding the best connections in poker, and it was made worse by the fact poker was no longer as great of an escape as it had been as a kid. The thrill of gambling was gone, after years of staying at the same damn bankroll. I'd convinced myself my progression was complete.

Can't find the coffee filters. Use toilet paper. Take out the freezer-burned Puerto Rican coffee. It's 9:00 AM son, you're late.

When poker got boring I found other addictions. Women, eating, traveling, percs, amps, a whole lot of MJ, alcohol, cigarettes, and caffeine.

I hope there's not little bits of toilet paper in my coffee.\

I had a drink of whiskey the other night and realized alcohol does nothing to me anymore. Weed did nothing to me at the end but make me lazy and unappreciative. Since I've quit poker has been infinitely more interesting. I thought I didn't want to drink again. Then I remembered how good a beer tasted. Then I looked down at where I've so easily developed a gut before.

I need to study for my Spanish class otherwise that woman will kick my ass.

The problem with self-medicating is when you get older and cut it out you realize you never actually got rid of the problems you were dealing with. You put them in a storage space. They've grown mold. You forget why you put them there, and what made them so awful in the first place. The strategies of dealing with them that you should have been developing have regressed due to your taste for escapism. So while you have grown-man thoughts on your mind, your capabilities for coping are back at whenever you started self-medicating. Instead of taking one problem at a time you get a list.

Clean out the coffee cup. One down, eighteen filthy dishes to go. First sip is pungent. Awake. Moving. Warm in your hoodie and beanie. Thank God San Jose can get so cold.

My behavior if casually observed by an outsider would have you wondering if I have development issues. I used to take care of an autistic kid. I make the same noises and do some of the same behaviors he did when he got really mad. Maybe it used to be once a year, but now it's once a week. It's embarrassing.

What the fuck chance did I have? I'm a damned superhero compared to where 99% of people would be in my situation.

Doesn't change the fact I'm like this.

Trance

Whose Side Are You On?

San Jose, Costa Rica

I was at this party the other night with a bunch of poker players here. I'm not really into...you know...human contact usually. I've known of a couple poker players here, some P5s people, and just have never reached out. My friend just got backed by some huge conglomerate of backing, and they were doing something, and he said some people would like to meet me. Whenever somebody says "so and so would like to meet you" I always picture myself farting heartily as I roll out of bed at noon. What the hell makes me anything?

I wrote those Pocketfives articles to get my name out, to get a backing deal. Years later some people can still quote them. That shit is insane to me. I don't even remember what I wrote. I don't even like what I wrote. I can't wait to have another crack at writing about poker life in a more organized format with this new site. I guess there just wasn't a ton from a young guy when I started. I embarrassed myself enough but people still seem to give me credit.

These kids I met were all so eager to learn about poker. One was working three jobs while going after it. So many have to take on real jobs in the industry. Others drift between backers. The big thing is a lot of them want a live backing deal and comfortable money. That's their big end goal. I'm nothing to me because I compare myself constantly to my friends, who while I'm scraping colones together to go buy my morning empenada are looking at what condo to buy. Many I let chill at my apartment and watch me play years before there were just hundreds of professional poker players everywhere. Back when me saying "I'm a professional poker player" still made me some mythical figure. This was before in a Vegas bar you said "I'm a professional poker player" and everybody rolled their eyes because 200,000 dumbasses rolling through that town a year say the same thing. Back when money was good and I was too stupid to get at it. Too young and immature, too horrible a player. These kids just want a crack at this industry. I'm pissed there's so many bright young kids trying to get in, because I want every fishy to myself. Yet I'd admire their willingness to come into this industry when its so much more difficult. I forget so often how I'm living the dream to those guys still grinding out 50 NL.

I wonder a lot about what happened to that kid who used to walk for miles through Everett to find a game at night? What happened to the kid who read Cardplayer obsessively, and who told himself "if I got out there to Vegas I'd play every day, all day." It's just become so routine to me that I forget how hard it was to even become a professional poker player. You're a working class hero even if you're busto, because you live an adventure, you go after a dream many people give up on.

I think back to this portly Mexican gent sitting down with his wife in Applebee's. I walk by. "Were you playing the tournament?" He just wanted to talk for a few seconds for someone who could once, just ONCE, in their life play a 5k tournament. I almost didn't even go out because I was like, "it's only a 5k? Damn." How brainwashed and stupid I am.

I went outside to sit on the street corner here after Sunday. I was pissed off, I had my first real blank of a Sunday in a long time. I cashed the Million with a shit ton of chips and just did nothing. I've generally been pissed off lately. If I'm not making money constantly I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I've been awful to the people that are unfortunate enough to be close to me. I've done enough to my mind where now I feel some gross disconnect when I get angry. I'm normally paranoid, and there's a locking of tension, and it all just explodes when I get angry. I think it has something connected with my behavior while drinking. I can have a couple responsible drinks now but forever I'd get loaded, get into fights, cry, laugh hysterically at people and make fun of them, say the weirdest crap you've heard in a long time. The disconnect in my mind feels like it's gotten greater as I've consumed more and gotten further from home. It's at the point now my mood will shift in a second, I'll bark something I'd never say normally, and then 10 minutes later I wonder what just happened. I can never do a risk/reward calc. I have to hold back to pussifying levels or else I will completely detonate.

I took out my notebook and wrote prose. The need to vent away from a blog was satiated for the first time in a while. I wrote to myself. I did some thinking. I looked out on the long streets and orange street lights. The green mountains outside of San Jose twinkled with the continued smolder of neon. Black clouds glided low over all of it. I couldn't see one star. Too many lights. Then I saw one. And another. Shining wildly, those stars that seem to be a Japanese anime, how fast they change from dark red to orange to blue to to teal to dark green to red again. They just didn't care how thick and black the clouds were. They stood out more because they got through them.

I started talking to myself. It's an old habit, giving myself the pep talks no one else gave me. It's been a while. It's not even a pep talk as much as me questioning myself. If my line of thinking is whack when I say it aloud even my twisted self-absorbed head should figure it out.

I asked myself why I was stressed? Would anything go horribly wrong if self-imposed responsibility T through Z would go undone? I realized no. Some people would be pissed off. I'd lose out on a lot of opportunities I gave myself. But no, the sun would come up, I'd still be able to make a living.

I asked myself if there's anything I'd rather be doing? I thought writing a book would be nice. I had all the time in the world when I started backing, then backing took all my time away as I tried to singlehandedly float too many players who weren't producing. I kind of missed that freedom.

But I could live here for years without playing poker. Still. After everything.

I thought back on who fucked me. Who stole from me. I thought about how sick it made me to walk into the room I rented because I was borrowing money from my girlfriend for a while. I'd had tens of thousands stolen from me. Not to mention the hundreds of thousands I spent trying to give my friends the dream. Because I believed they could learn from me. Because I believed they could make me a millionaire at 21.

I thought back on every transgression that's happened to me in poker. If you knew what we actually deal with. How I ran and what some people did to me made me feel like I got fucked out of the top spot I deserved.

Then I thought about how hard it must have been for the kids who really did stick by me, to watch their good friend go broke, thinking it was because of them. I'd have a hard time grinding with that stress. My regular outbursts becoming more frequent as I got worse mentally must not have helped. My friend who I lived with me for months noting, "I've never seen you sober till you had to be for an airplane." And then I picked up a brownie on a layover.

What made you think you could back people? Much bigger names with much more money couldn't make it work, what made you think you could? Did you ever pull the plug? No, you just wanted to gamble on everything. You can't be a professional if you are addicted to it. You were an addict with a strange strange upbringing not dealing with his problems and instead drowning them with noise. You know your highest number. It was insane. You were the most depressed you'd ever been.

And why? And why did you do all that? Because you think you're not good enough. You thought a house and a million was going to complete you? Dumb shit you had a private beach and you were sleep walking. The problem's in your attitude. It isn't in anyone around you. You won't take responsibility for your mistakes and what situation they've led you to, and that is why you feel you can't change your current situation.

You're on this earth and going after your dream. The guy who makes your coffee in the mornings probably didn't want to do that. The garbage collector. The people working at a call center. Why do you think people buy TVs and beer, as awesome as both of them are? How many people even allow themselves a dream when their parents just routinely tell them to make money? How many have to give up on their dreams when they have a kid?

And you and your girlfriend just get to travel to the Bahamas, Europe, the states, whatever, because you both have freelancer jobs that can pay your way. How damn lucky are you?

Remember drinking alone in Malta on Christmas two years back? Now you got your girlfriend, her family taking you in, and your family's doing so much better now. How good was that Thanksgiving you got to have with them? And your stepdad is cool enough to clear out your storage unit for you after you leave?

And you bitch. Worse, you go crazy. No one else is going to do it for you, so you gotta figure this out. You damaged your brain permanently. Accept it. It could be much much much worse. Now you gotta make strategies with professionals on how to calm your ass down.

As arrogant as it sounds, that's the cost for having your brain. You know you write and play poker better than 99% of people. Could you imagine loving something and sucking at it. Lol, yeah you can, because you can't sing at all. Imagine if that was your true love in life, all you wanted to do, and you were in the 62nd percentile. There's no law that says you have to be the best at one thing. You're one of the best in poker tournaments. You will show the world that, come hell or high water. And then you will chill in your study and write books. You will play poker when you damn well feel like it, and not to eat.

You fell flat on your ass. Thank God for it. You got sober because of it. You developed new business ideas. You secured long-term investments. Hell, you were at complete zero a few months ago. If people could just see how much work you've gotten done. The numbers. You got a huge head start. You got your network putting you in. Your hungry for the win, your mind's more together than its ever been, hell, shouldn't this be fun. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM DAWG?

I got up off the curb. I felt so damn warm in my hoodie. I looked around. I've chased my dream for years. I've lived in Asia, Europe, and Central America. I've been to 30 countries or something. I'm kind of tired, to be perfectly honest, of a 52-card game that contains large portions of strategy that never ever never change or evolve. But I'm not tired of learning. I'm not tired of winning. I love live events. I love the grind. I love going for my dream. I love knowing I can make the reality I see in my mind when I go to sleep.

And that is wealth. That's all I should ever be focusing on.

Risp-take2

San Jose, Neptune

So once and a while I load up. Can't write a thing. Say the things that are normal to you and no one understands. Say the things around you that were normal and no one understands. Tell yourself to not carry it around. But there's no books written for people like you. You read what's out there and it's worthless. And every thought seems so forced now because you can't say shit. Get yourself the therapy, maybe that will do something. You'll stop having random spurts of crazy. So so so sober. Reality is a stiff drink. Most of the days are good, but it's obvious you have rewired your brain forever. Especially when it crashes. It'll take a long time to get to a new place. You don't even want to blame anyone, make anyone feel bad, but you kind of wish there weren't 50 stories people play with, and they don't even know the context. How it feels to be tired all the time. Now they got you less paranoid, doesn't mean you're still not devoid. How nice it is not to have Ass Burgers of logorrhea shooting out your mouth and making everyone know you're annoying. And you can't ever say a thing. It just blows up in your face. How they delight in your fall, how they'll cringe when you inevitably come back up. Yeah, inevitably, because I'm me. I bust myself for shits and giggles, because I couldn't feel a thing for a couple years, and now someone's trying to calm me down. Now the money means something. Now I feel something, get it more, even if that fickle shock comes back a time and again (holes created). Now I just have to choose to be contento. The higher a bed is off the ground the more you've made it in life. My bed doesn't have a box spring. I don't need one. I really don't need more than a room. I'm going to move here soon to a slightly nicer apartment, but still, opt out of the palace. You get lazy outside of the city. When you can't hear the rush at night. I'm programmed to think me in a grind hole isn't worthy. Yet this bed feels comfortable when I think of other nights. Stay close to this place, it's feeding you. Think about those people in Haiti, and now you got a damn palace. In love with myself. You have to be to be successful, because no one else is going to tell you that you can do it. Look at that kid play with the dials on the fry machine at McD's. You remember panicking because you forgot to drop the dero de pollo in the grease at Arby's? 40+ hours a week for $444.00 in 2 weeks. Your best check. Earn that in a day now. Tour costs are sick, but you're making plans. These business ideas are clicking. You CHOOSE to live here, that number would still blow people's minds. When they get on you it's because your existence proves they're lazy? Can't even devote energy anymore, you can't judge, you've never been in their position. Let them take it out on you, there's no law that you have to feel it. How the ones who wish they were you will just pout and moan. To think, you once listened. You're such a blowhard when I read what you think about yourself, it's obvious the small fish feels insignificant in the wide wide ocean. So whatever. Compare yourself homosapien, what's your ranking in the tribe? And who cares? Ramp up your credits in your local banking institution, consume your genetically-altered rations, and give a big smile for the great neon yonder. My story doesn't mean anything. Why can't I grasp it's a freeroll? Shenmue. There's all these oceans you can cross, all these people, all these mini-games that set off all the time, I can't even sit in front of my TV anymore. Bored constantly as a spoiled brat. The finite nature of each day can repetitively beat into you. But each mini-game is fun if you pay attention. The "space out during dentist" mini game today was a dull one, but most are better, and you even came up with the client list for the new venture. How you're going to upload that for your students. I just want to take pictures, because it's always happening. What a damn spoiled cosmic baby you are. To live in Generation End. It's overcrowded, the morals are gone, morale is down, or at least that's what they tell you. Maybe every generation is like this. Regardless you're on a digital network, it's hard to govern you. Hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Plebian grabbed a wire. Don't you remember what it was like? To not have a shot at anything? How everyone else just decided your ranking in their bullshit rush hour, tight-pants, Weezer glasses, smug sun-strained pudge Starbucks-adled self-righteous smile of a serpent fading into a Kanye video spinning the Speak and Spell spook of sodomized squirt of something that's not there, swearing sullenly that they saw the ad that always has the broad male and digitized girl that surely honey that square-jawed swell syndrome was them. Now you can space out at a book store for two years and you'd still be fine. Write about anything. Write about nothing. Who cares? If all this pressure is self-imposed you're getting on yourself for running missions in a Grand Theft Auto game. You picked the damn mission, now rattle it. You're one of the 2% actually playing the damn game, so beat it. And laugh when the college cheat code continues to not work.

Just Finished 14th In The Super Tuesday After One Tabling For Hours On No Sleep

I find this poker game to be a rather silly endeavor

Electronic Flow

LA Chill

All Day You See Him Hustle

San Jose, Costa Rica

Sorry about the lack of updates. Life has been ridiculously busy lately. I wake up, do a lesson, grind cash, put in road work, and then work on my other projects. Pokerpwnage videos. Bluff articles. The new website. Learning Spanish. Going to the dentist to watch the nerves in my teeth get ripped out ("this was your nerve! Haha!") I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed out but then I just tried to be thankful I had so much stuff I'm genuinely interested in to work on. Every day's intense. Maybe not intense work, I don't fight fires or anything, but I sleep six hours because I have so much stuff I want to do each day.

I finished Sex At Dawn. I liked reading a lot of the research they read for their position, and evolutionary psychology they discussed was fascinating, however a lot of it was just slanted bullshit. Essentially the entire book is a treatise on the scientific reasons people struggle with monogamy. It could be seen as depressing, some of it was, but I found a lot of it to be helpful in understanding the nature of people, and what trade offs our animal mind thinks they're making. At the end however the authors seem to really promote open relationships, which I think is irresponsible. I've been fortunate enough to have some psychologist friends, and not one has ever said they've seen that work. Like not a majority of the time, like fucking ever.

Still, the research in the book was fascinating, and explained many mysteries to me about sex and relationships that I'd never understood before. You have to have a solid sense of what you believe before you read it though. That's what pisses me off about it. The writers come off as hurt, and they want you to be hurt with them. That was my impression. Like if it was just a book going "well we find this interesting" I would've come out feeling way more educated and secure about relationships in general. Instead it kind of pissed me off. The research was fascinating, but it doesn't need to conclude with "all people are whores and animals and you're a dumb pussy if you stay with one person."

All the geniuses I know are dedicated to one person. To some of them though it almost seems like a business merger. "We have mutual interests, we'll enter an exclusivity contract, and we'll run this bitch." It's a lot more cold hearted and appealing to me then the shit they fed me in my sex ed classes when they were shoving abstinence down our throat. Hell, if there's some intimacy involved, more of a bonus.

I'm sick, you know that? Guess I'm just way happier with my boo than I ever thought I'd be in a relationship. I used to tell people in relationships they were idiots. Now I got this crazy smart chica who was pretty much my AA/MA sponsor for months, and now is working on calibrating me to help me achieve my dreams. She got me the neurologist, the Spanish tutor, the therapist, my dentist, and she does physical therapy for me every week. I'm going to crush soon and it's because this girl took me on as a project. Changed my whole world view.

Man I always mean to write a little and then I go on a rant for ten minutes. Woke up at 8:00 this morning, and was yelling and screaming at my student Ron. All in a caring way, but I'm irate going after things now. I'm pissed about the time that's gone.

This website idea has grown a lot between talks from Jack and me over the last few weeks, to our reaching out recently for a website designer. We got a lot of applicants. So many look promising. I want to make a platform everyone can contribute but it will be hard. Still, I'm so excited about where this is going. I'll share with y'all the details soon. I'm hoping to give a place for many of my genius friends to write and talk about poker and life. They've taught me so much and I think they have so much to offer not just the poker world, but the world in general. This blog is confining as hell too. You can't really go big places with just a blah Blogspot. I appreciated the rawness of it, how it captured me going from dumb shit teenager to poker professional, but it's time to relabel myself, and do things in a more professional environment, promote myself in a better way. I can't wait to write more than just ranting drivel all the time (although I'm sure I'll have some of that) and to have other writers working with me on a project I really believe in.

Stay tuned. Exciting things coming.

Need Your Help

I've concluded it is time to advance this blog. So, with the help of a friend, I'll be launching a website. I am, as you might guess, somewhat time-challenged. My friend is computer-challenged. So, I am looking for a third party who might have both a little time and a little knowledge about putting together a website.

We plan to use a template, so the design load should not be great. Mostly concerned with regularly updating the content. If you have a blog of your own, we'd welcome it. Though there are no immediate plans, if we ever monetize the site, you would share in respect to your contributions.

The site will be aimed at bringing its visitors into the game, the life, the minds of great players and great thinkers. Share some great times.

We hope to launch before the end of the year, if possible. Let me hear from you. Thanks.

Alex/alexfitzgerald88@gmail.com

I Bought A Kid I Didn't Know A Curious George Book

I know charity is supposed to be selfless but that was very selfish. I never get anything out of buying crap for myself. Except for my books. I love me some books. I don't give enough books as gifts. Thinking about the man in the yellow hat helping George with his leg and helping him make boats out of newspapers made me smile. I'm glad some kid is reading that for Christmas.

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