Post Nervous Breakdown

I'm just finishing up my last SNG tonight, at about 5:00 AM. I just had a rush like I haven't had in a while, where my hands were holding up, and I was winning the coin flips. I posted a record loss last night so it was nice to have a record win tonight. I didn't win a tournament or anything - I was just playing SNGs.

This is my first post in a while, and there is a good reason for that. As anybody who has been reading my previous posts all ready knows I have been extremely stressed lately. While a large part of that has been poker the rest of my life has also contributed.

Without going into details, my roommate and I got a little closer than was probably smart, and it just wasn't working. I'm generally a very mellow and stable person but that was really throwing me off. Every guy who went to high school knows the pain of being into a girl that doesn't want him back, and the pain that comes from seeing that person with someone else. Now imagine living with that person, hearing her phone calls with other guys and seeing her with other guys. Now imagine trying to focus on eight different games while that is going on.

I also got to hear about how happy my ex-girlfriend was with her new boyfriend , a girl I admit I haven't entirely gotten over. My father for the umpteenth time dodged giving me money for college, despite the fact he draws six figures. My mother stole money from me again while I was visiting, and while I can lose $120.00 that she took its just the principle of my own mother stealing money from me that gets me.

I hit a new low after all of this, and I knew I just shouldn't be playing poker. You have to sort out your personal life before you play cards. Have you ever tried to take a test at school with something distracting you? Now imagine that each wrong answer on this test costs you thousands.

So a few days ago I set out to sort out things. In a few weeks I will not be living with my current roommate anymore, but instead another friend of mine. My new roommate is a girl, but I'm not attracted to her in the slightest (not that she's not pretty...just not my type). She is very laidback and extremely reliable, which is exactly what I need. I have withdrawn enough to pad my bank account for whatever may come. I took some time off and reconnected with some of my friends. I made new goals for myself within poker, and I made new rules. I am going to focus more on eating right and taking enough time off.

And yeah, having done all that, I feel much better. Like better than I have felt in a couple months.

Just got 2nd...damnit. I hate seconds. Oh well...

Anyways, I need to go to bed. Tomorrow I'm going to some Taiwanese New Years party with my friend (you'll never guess his race). Should be fun. After that I should be hitting the tables pretty hard.

Take it easy everyone...

First Place In A Backwards Marathon

So, not running hot anymore. Not running bad either. I’ve just had a couple sessions with wins and losses within fifty dollars, which is really weird for me since I play 6-10 hours usually. I don’t know if I’m playing bad, running bad, or both. I just know when I’m not winning I get a little annoyed.

What’s killing me is I am feeling this pressure to perform, which I don’t know why I have. My living costs are really low and I have a lot of money saved. I still feel this pressure from myself to perform though, and it drives me mad when I am not meeting my own standards.

I didn’t have a set number when I started playing professionally but I quit my real job because working full time I was making $1,200.00 a month and I’d made $7,000 in October just playing after I got home from work. November wasn’t as good and now December has been back and forth.

I guess its stupid to go by months, since poker is such a long term game. I’d be lying though if I said it wasn’t annoying me though, how after I quit my job I do worse.

I think its something mental. I feel worn out constantly, yet I play harder because I want the results so bad. I want to prove to myself I have what it takes, that this isn’t just a pipe dream of mine.

I think I need a break. I think I’ve needed one. Instead of taking one I’ve worked 60+ hours over the last week.

I just don’t know what I’m going to do if I take off three days. I don’t really have a life outside of poker right now and that is my fault. I wasn’t prepared for this part of playing poker professionally. I wasn’t prepared for having absolutely no social outlet. I wasn’t prepared for having no one to talk with about the huge ups and downs this profession brings. I wasn’t prepared to get blown off by every decent girl I met, because who the hell wants to date a cardplayer with likely no future when there’s so many college guys around?

The money comforts me none. I don’t care that I have enough money to not work for a year if I chose, because what would come of that year? What is next? What the hell am I really doing?

I debated not writing this but it helps me to write out what’s on my mind and if anybody gets the idea to turn pro they should know what a normal human being goes through during the ups and downs.

I’m not even in a downswing. Four of my last five sessions have been winning ones. I’m just not making anything sizeable.

I think I am taking the right steps now. Before I didn’t have any kind of a plan. I just entered whatever tournaments I felt like and kept a few SNGs going. Now I have set amounts I want to devote to each type of game, I have set guidelines for when I’m going to move up, when I’m going to move down (hasn’t happened yet), etc.

I really think I’m just burned out. I have no desire to do the hard work that comes with winning poker. I’m not observing my players, making the right laydowns, the right calls. I am playing a very fixed style, but it’s not a fixed style that got me to where I am today.

I want to take time off but I have no idea what I’m going to do. I was just so focused on getting out to Seattle and getting my life squared away that I lost contact with most of my friends. Now I have everything I thought I wanted and I feel like I’ve gotten no where.

What the fuck is the point of having all these things when I have no one to share them with? What good is the view of Seattle from my apartment if I always look at it alone? What has really changed in my life? Nothing, I have nothing but money and this game. I am a recluse. I am not really here.

Poker was just so fun there for a while. Coming out to Seattle, and then playing every night after I got home from work. I had so many tournament wins there for a while. Making all that money it was easy to dream, for the first time in my life. I thought of traveling abroad and all the places poker could take me. I couldn’t wait to get home, to blast my Paul Oakenfold, open up a Rockstar, and then take down some tourneys.

I just don’t want to play now. I have the money to take a break but what the hell am I going to do? I didn’t think of this. All I thought of was the money before.

I’m trying to get out though. I’m signing up for at least one course hopefully this January, Since I only sent in the application today and classes start on January 2nd I don’t know how that is going to go.

I just want to meet some people and get out and do something else. I’ve overworked myself. This is my fault.

I think I really have what it takes to be a great poker player. I have never felt anything come more naturally to me before in my life. When I am on I feel as if I can make the huge laydowns and triple-shelled bluffs that other players only dream about. I feel like I am a separate entity away from the rest of the table, the unknown variable that everyone is afraid of.

I feel as if I could just get some balance in my life I could really start putting up some numbers and making this a valid profession for myself. When I am excited to play I do so much better than how I am doing now. I just feel like everything is automatic and I’m not really paying attention, because I don’t care as much anymore. I’m bored with it for now. Then again, if you do anything 60 hours a week how the hell could you not get bored with it?

I need to take the next couple days off. There is no question. I don’t care what I do but it can’t be poker. I need to chill out. I need to get signed up for classes. I need to get out. I need to play some video games and just relax a bit. The one night I had a friend over I did great the next day because I felt refreshed, but one day every couple of weeks isn’t going to do it, and sure enough the grind has set in again.

Maybe I’ll learn how to cook, or take up meditation. Fuck, something, anything. I need to get out of this apartment and get some kind of life beyond the cards. I need more than this. It is effecting my professional life and my own personal mood too much. I am being irresponsible and mistreating myself by just staying holed up in here.

All right, I’m out, don’t expect any kind of entry for a couple days.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/trikturner/sacrifice.html

Wheeeeeee!!!!!

When I run hot I run hot baby.

I feel in the zone. My day started out poorly but the last couple hours I have been destroying the SNGs. It’s nice to do well in my best game again, all though my continued lack of results in MTTs is continuing to bug me.

I just love it when I can feel the table and what is going to happen next. I know on my good days I do tend to pick up more coin flips and whatnot but when I gain confidence I am able to do the plays that I simply cannot see or execute on my more frustrating days.

It’s plays like this that keep me ahead in SNGs, and allow me to cash when others would bubble:

PokerStars Game #7365495191: Tournament #37667346, $30+$3 Hold'em No Limit - Level V (75/150) - 2006/12/09 - 08:35:44 (ET)
Table '37667346 1' 9-max Seat #2 is the button
Seat 1: cbanken (1965 in chips)
Seat 2: CoolShed78 (2345 in chips)
Seat 4: dallasalex (6510 in chips)
Seat 9: Assassinato (2680 in chips)
dallasalex: posts small blind 75
Assassinato: posts big blind 150
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to Assassinato [7d 4s]
cbanken: folds
CoolShed78: calls 150
dallasalex: folds
Assassinato: checks
*** FLOP *** [Qc Jh Jc]
Assassinato: checks
CoolShed78: bets 150
Assassinato: raises 150 to 300
CoolShed78: calls 150
*** TURN *** [Qc Jh Jc] [3c]
Assassinato: bets 450
CoolShed78: folds
Assassinato collected 975 from pot
Assassinato: doesn't show hand
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 975 Rake 0
Board [Qc Jh Jc 3c]
Seat 1: cbanken folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 2: CoolShed78 (button) folded on the Turn
Seat 4: dallasalex (small blind) folded before Flop
Seat 9: Assassinato (big blind) collected (975)

Or…

PokerStars Game #7365650055: Tournament #37668152, $30+$3 Hold'em No Limit - Level V (75/150) - 2006/12/09 - 08:59:21 (ET)
Table '37668152 1' 9-max Seat #7 is the button
Seat 2: unfortunate1 (2020 in chips)
Seat 3: Assassinato (4190 in chips)
Seat 4: Rexnil (5965 in chips)
Seat 7: yotekiller (1325 in chips)
unfortunate1: posts small blind 75
Assassinato: posts big blind 150
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to Assassinato [5h Kd]
Rexnil: folds
yotekiller: raises 150 to 300
unfortunate1: folds
Rexnil said, "lol"
Assassinato: raises 3890 to 4190 and is all-in
yotekiller: folds
Assassinato collected 675 from pot
Assassinato: doesn't show hand
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 675 Rake 0
Seat 2: unfortunate1 (small blind) folded before Flop
Seat 3: Assassinato (big blind) collected (675)
Seat 4: Rexnil folded before Flop (didn't bet)
Seat 7: yotekiller (button) folded before Flop

Anyways, things are better in my personal life too. My roommate and I worked out a lot of the things that were bugging her. I really couldn’t blame her for being angry toward me after I heard her out. Living with a poker player must be a living hell at times. I can’t speak for other pros but I know I never wake up or go to bed at the same time. I never know what time it is or what day it is. Since money comes and goes so much in my life it REALLY takes a lot missing to really get me worried. When it comes to shopping I’m horrible about finding bargains, because honestly if I blew through $600 the night before I could really care less which brand of tuna is going to save me thirty cents. I’m very impulsive. It’s like 6:00 AM right now and I want a cinnamon roll for some reason…for example.

Of course, when you’re living with a college student who is lucky to make $400.00 working actual hard work over two weeks your life doesn’t make a whole hell of a lot of sense to them. “Who cares if you lost $1,000 this week? You made 6k last month!!!!”

She didn’t actually say that. She’s far too polite for that. It’s a hypothetical.

It was something I hadn’t really thought about and now I am experiencing for the first time.

Anyways, I’m going to go get that cinnamon roll.

Oh yeah, before I go, props to my bro Josh Bolton, who goes by Havokddg on Pokerstars. He’s a friend of mine who plays poker recreationally but last night he made his first final table…and then made his second only hours later.

He is also further proof that getting drunk and playing video games is the ultimate slump buster, as he was the friend I had over that night to do that with.

We’ll have to do further experiments some other time to figure out if it was his Heineken or my Corona that did the trick.

I can see I’m going to be a great example for so many kids.

All right, later everyone.

Corona Cure

I’ve finally ended my slump.

I know I wrote that one post about a week or two back where I swore I’d broken it, but I went right back to losing after that. This is my second session in a row where I’ve just been on fire. The draws are getting there, my reads are dead on, and my patience is back. I’m still focusing on SNGs but I’ve thrown a few multis in the mix and while I haven’t cashed yet still I feel like I am playing good controlled poker again.

What helped me was that last night I had a friend over who is interested in poker but still learning. I turned a SNG on my computer and walked him through it, asking him what he would do and then telling him what I would do. Having to explain my moves to him I realized for a few things I didn’t really have good sound reasons for what I was doing. Sure, you can make a case for raising your button with garbage on the bubble, but sometimes there’s no great reason to do it either. I was just erring on the side of aggression for no good reason, other than I liked to torture other people.

I have been having some problems with my roommate as of late, and I think that has been a cause of my recklessness in poker. I think she is just stressed because her college finals are this week, but I know I haven’t been the greatest roommate ever. When I get into bad runs I all too often get into the habit of worrying too much. For some reason I can never feel that secure in poker (it’s like its gambling or something…).

Whenever I go on a bad run I put way too much pressure on myself worrying that maybe this is the final bad run, this is the one that proves me the fluke, the one that finally brings my ass back down to earth. With that going through my mind I find it harder to function and without realizing it I start letting things slide.

In my own life it was something as simple as the dishes. I usually do the dishes in my apartment because I use more dishes, since I work at home. My roommate eats out with her friends and at her work more often, so it wouldn’t make sense for her to do them as much as I do. Well lately all I’ve been thinking about is poker, so I kept forgetting to do the dishes before I started my session, and eventually they piled up.

I hadn’t realized how much I was pushing myself till I had my friend over. It’s all too easy if you’re a poker player to just get caught up in the game, day in and day out. Before I quit my job I made a lot of bankroll rules for myself, along with savings and budgeting plans, but I didn’t think about my own mental well being.

It’s important to set days off and to not do anything poker related on those days. It’s better if you can be away from the place you play poker in as well. I’d never had a need for this before, as other obligations – work, school, family, a girlfriend, etc. – kept me in line. If you decide to turn pro though learn from my mistake and set days where you’re just going to relax. I wasn’t doing that. I’m pouring over my old posts and I can’t believe how wound up I let myself get.

It sounds stupid, but getting drunk with a buddy of mine and playing Xbox last night was what busted my slump. I was so stressed out about my downswing that I wasn’t thinking clearly. It wasn’t until I just relaxed a bit that I felt my vision clear. Suddenly the bad beats weren’t bothering me at all – they were just part of the game again. I started being able to read the tables more clearly, and pick my spots more carefully, as opposed to just raising every pot because “god damnit I feel like it.” I was truly in my element, not close to it. I was being a professional and not some eighteen-year-old kid pretending to be.

Wow, there’s such a thick fog in Seattle right now. It looks like my apartment building is just standing on the clouds. It reminds me of that one anime Castle In The Sky.

All right, I’m going to head out. I have a lot of errands to do tomorrow. Since I royally fucked up with my roommate today I’m going to try and do something special for her tomorrow, so I probably won’t be playing. Good luck to the rest of you.

Running Bad...

I’m exhausted.

I logged nine hours today. Yesterday I cut my session short because I dropped $350 in the first three hours.

I am a net plus player. I average $7.00 profit per game played, according to Sharkscope. I have countless final tables and MTT wins across every site. I am one of the best SNG players I know.

And I am down $1,000+ over the last two days. Do you still want to turn pro?

They aren’t kidding when they tell you this profession has swings. I was stupid. I had been running good for so long I didn’t think this could happen. Sure I expected a couple losing sessions each week, and they happened. This is sick though.

I can’t win a race and I haven’t been able to for weeks now. I know a lot of people say that but if I replayed you footage of me playing you would see it. Yes, I don’t literally lose every single one, but the majority. I’ve had days like that before but not day after day after day.

I generally am very confident in myself but I won’t lie, this is getting to me.

It’s affecting my personal life too. Even if people don’t say it you can tell when they look at you that they think you’re dumb for choosing poker as a career. It’s your profit margin and freedom of living that give you reason to ignore these people. When I start to lose consistently I get determined to turn things around, so I play more, which takes away a lot of my freedom. Obviously when I’m losing my financial state isn’t the greatest either.

I’m just so tired. I’ve been working myself ragged. I’ve taken breaks but it doesn’t turn around.

It doesn’t help I have no external means of support. No father, no mother, no girlfriend, no best friend to confide in. Poker is a lonely profession but I’m the absolute worst. I was a fairly private person before I got into this but now I feel like a hermit.

Confidence is so huge in this profession. If you have any self doubt or you can be overly negative poker will destroy you. I am generally very confident in my poker game but this is taking it out of me.

The last time I ran this bad I went to Alaska and worked as a fisherman for two months. It cleared my mind and helped me put things in perspective. I wish I had the time to do something like that now.

I wish I knew I was playing bad so I could stop it. I looked over my hand histories and found some things, but otherwise I think I’m playing well. I just played SNGs today to limit my variance and I still posted a huge loss. I really have no idea what more I could do.

I’m really glad I put six months of expenses away now. I can’t imagine what happens to all the kids who win one tournament and decide to drop college.

I need to just chill and remember I did the smart thing by putting a large sum of money away before I quit my job. It would take months of running bad in order to break me. That isn’t an exaggeration; it would authentically take me months to go through all of my savings.

I just need to take a deep breath and chill. My goal is to get my working bankroll (that doesn’t include the money I have saved for living expenses) back up into five figures and then I can take my shot at $50.00 SNGs. I really think I can achieve that.

How quickly I forget…my god. A year ago I was busting my ass at $5.00 SNGs. There was a time I didn’t even have the bankroll for that, I had to play literally nickel and dime cash games on Full Tilt. I built up from that. I’m not a losing player. I am a professional. I can handle this.

Okay, I’ll admit, this post was more for me than for anyone reading it, but then again aren’t all blogs more for the writer than the reader?

All right I’m going to go play some Xbox and eat some guacamole. Later all…

Congratulations And Condolences

I remember when I was younger watching the first ever live poker event on FSN, the American Poker Championship at the Turning Stone casino.

During the commentary Howard Lederer remarked that coming in second in a poker tournament is one of the most sickening feelings the moment it happens. A week or so later, he explained, you will wake up and go “yeah it was pretty cool I finished second in that tournament” but for that first week you can’t think of anything else but how close you got.

So, Howard Lederer explained, whenever one of his friends has a high finish (but not a first) Howard always offers his congratulations and condolences.

Today is my day for congratulations and condolences.

I had another frustrating day to start with, complete with many bubbles. The order of the day seemed to not be bad beats but hand-over-hand situations. In the Ultimate Bet $25.00 buy-in I was one of the chip leaders, only to have my A-A run into a flopped set on a 5-6-7 board (two clubs). It is always hard to get away from an overpair but when the board comes like that your opponent could be semi-bluffing with so many different hands that often times you’re just going to go broke.

I also had K-10 on a K-10-5 board run into K-K. A-5 on A-J-5 board vs. 5-5. 6-6 on A-6-5 board run into A-A (tricky bastard limped in preflop too).

You can’t really get too mad at yourself in those spots. You just don’t have a big enough stack to get away from those hands. It’s a much bigger mistake to not get value from those hands the 90% of the time they are good then to lessen your loss when they aren’t.

I ran bad in SNGs, but I also think that was a result of me playing too many tables and just not being focused in. I’m really debating lessening how many tables I play come my next session because it was really evident to me today that its hurting my SNG game. So much of your edge when you are a SNG player is in how you play the bubble. When you’re managing seven other games, how the hell are you going to know how RandomPlayerX is playing his blind?

Had a few other small cashes, one very disappointing 27th place finish in the Ultimate Bet $30.00 buy in, but other than that nothing of note till the Ultimate Bet $10.00 Buy-in, with 600+ entrants.

The tournament was a real rollercoaster from start to finish with my stack going up and down throughout. Ever huge double up seemed to be followed by a huge suck out. After getting in the money I built my stack up to average. It was then that I got dealt A-K offsuit, after an early position player made it 6,800 to go out of his $17,000 stack. I knew he was committed to the hand, so I started trying to figure out what he had. I don’t remember the exact blinds but it was a HUGE raise for that time in the tournament. I thought he might do that with A-x, K-Q, K-J, K-10 in which case I had him crushed. I also thought (and this was more likely in my mind) he could have a very small pair that he just wanted to get the hand over with, in which case he was even money. I couldn’t rule out Q-J or 10-9 suited since internet players overestimate those suited connectors so much. I did not see this guy making that raise with K-K or A-A.

So figuring all this, along with the slight chance that he might fold to a reraise, I decided to gamble up and put in the reraise. Well…he didn’t have any of the hands I put him on. No, he was packing all mighty 7-8. He was a dog going to the flop (all though not a huge one) until it came 6-5-4 and I was crippled.

Needless to say I wasn’t in the greatest of moods, being left with 4x the big blind. I debated the play a little bit in my mind, but I still think I made the correct decision. I really thought it was very likely he had a hand I had crushed and I was getting the money in as a huge favorite. I can’t flat call there and then fold on the flop if I miss, and I can’t lay it down given his range. So yeah, chock it up to fate, numbers, poker Gods, whatever…just wasn’t meant to be.

The next two hands I got I believe were 2-4 and 2-9. I had no fold equity so I laid them down and took my big blind, essentially meaning I would have to call with anything. I got dealt 8-6, and it was folded around to the button who flat called. Pushing in here is dumb, because for less than 3x the blind more there’s no way this guy is laying down with 20x+ in his stack. I can’t fold here though under any circumstances. So, I checked, planning to push no matter what the flop came, hoping this guy missed and was too new to poker to see what I was doing.

The board came Q-7-4 and I pushed, and unfortunately this guy was good enough to call with his A-8. I couldn’t have asked for a worse hand for him to have preflop, with only my six live. This flop gave me four more outs though in any five. So, preflop I was about a 3-to-1 dog and after the flop I am still about that with seven live outs. So, the turn comes a blank and now I am 14% to win….and then the river washed up a beautiful 5.

I double through but still do not have much. My next few hands are garbage and I’m forced to fold. One off the cutoff I am dealt Q-9 suited. We are playing six handed now and with less than 10x the big blind and with the antes in effect I am going to get eaten up quickly here. The other short stack at the table was in the big blind too. So I push. Folded to small blind who thinks for a long time. He doesn’t have a huge stack either, and if I remember correctly he decided to call of 1/3 of it with Q-J off, which while a garbage hand in most instances, has my hand totally dominated.

Annoyed I got called I watched as the flop came Q-high, and then the turn gave me a 9.

After that I went on a tear, making position raises and picking my spots till I built into an average stack again. It was then that my defining hand of the night came up.

I got dealt A-Q suited in middle position. First position player moves in for less than 10x BB. Another player, who I had decided was loose earlier on (all though not a psycho), called him after a couple seconds. His chip stack was about 25% bigger than mine.

I could make a case for any play here. Folding is certainly not idiotic. Against two players all ready showing heavy investment preflop you’re rarely in stunningly good shape with that hand. Calling and taking a flop isn’t awful, but it is my least favorite of the three. Calling off nearly 1/3 your stack then leaving yourself vulnerable to a push on the flop is not my idea of great poker.

The third option was the one I opted for, and that was pushing. My desired result is that no one wakes up with a hand behind me, and the initial caller mucks, leaving me heads-up against a player with a wide range with a lot of dead money in the pot. I can only do this if I believe the caller’s range does not likely include A-A, K-K, Q-Q, or A-K, likely hands that have me slaughtered.

Normally, online, I’m really in the dark on that decision because I can’t see the person and often multitabling it is hard for me to know who plays his big hands fast or slow. The way this guy called though I thought gave me information.

People online who like to flat call with their huge hands I find often take a really long time to call, hoping someone will come behind. Those who want to go heads-up usually push quickly. When there’s a couple seconds of pause then a call I’m less likely to put them on a big hand. I had all ready determined this guy was inexperienced and looser, but not a total idiot, so I thought when threatened with his tournament life (especially being so close to the final table…a big deal to a lot of recreational players) there was a good chance he would muck.

In tournaments I usually like to take the aggressive option up until the final table where there is some equity in not getting involved in huge pots. The payout scale on Ultimate Bet is very top heavy too, so I’m much more inclined to take a gamble to build a huge stack than I would be on Pokerstars, where the payout structure is more flat. Furthermore, I know I am a much better big stack player than I am a shortstack player.

Thinking of all of this I pushed. To my horror the initial caller instantly, and I mean INSTANTLY, called. Assuming the worst I was shocked to see him turn over K-Q. The initial all-in had K-10. The board came Q-high, and I was officially a force.

I started raising a large percentage of the pots, and nearly doubled my stack when it got down to five-handed at the last two tables. All of this without showing down a hand. This is why I would recommend anybody who wants to become a serious MTT player to play hundreds if not thousands of SNGs. My extensive SNG experience allows me to, in these shorthanded high-blind scenarios, run over the table and build those big chip leads that so often lead to final table success. When you reach the final table it is much harder to win a pot without a hand because you will be contending with a full table, and that fear of being the final table bubble boy is not longer in the players. You will know how to play the weak top pairs, middle and bottom pairs, the flush draws, straight draws, and the complete missed flops against a wide array of opponents if you invest time in SNGs and really study your play. If you only play full ring games or MTTs you will seldom experience the brainteaser that is playing a hand like J-5 postflop.

Anyways, the final table went great for me. No one really took a stand against me, and the one player who was willing too I identified early on. Other than him though I was able to steal a lot of blinds and many pots postflop. The one race I got into for any significant amount I won. I did have one suckout against a guy when my A-10 took down his K-K. Still though it wasn’t an error on my part, in my opinion. I raised a little less than half his stack preflop, which is effectively putting him all in. This guy had allowed me to halve his stack over many orbits, trying to outlast the other shortstack. So, when he flat called me preflop, we are effectively playing an all in pot, unless the flop comes something wicked scary. When it came K-6-3 I pushed, since there was a very good chance I was still good. Yes it was completely sick and twisted when I hit runner-runner to make a straight, but preflop I am less than a 3-to-1 dog and I am putting him all in with his money, where he has a very limited range in which to call me.

It was heads up where my nightmare began. Things started out smoothly as I was the more aggressive player and it was obvious my opponent had little heads-up experience. She was letting me take far too many pots away from her, folding way too much from the small blind, etc. I eventually whittled her down to a 3-to-1 chip deficit.

The big pot came when I raised with A-J and my opponent reraised instantly. I wasn’t figuring her for strength (I had been bullying her hard) so I pushed. She ended up calling me after a long deliberation with Q-3. The board came K-Q-J, she held, and we were even.

I made a few questionable plays in my opinion after that, and I had a few fifty/fifty calls where I ended up folding, because I believed I was the better heads up player. I never flopped a pair though, and never got action on my big hands. She finally started playing back at me and I never had so much as an ace-high to call her with. Eventually the blinds kicked up into crapshoot territory, I pushed with A-6 on the button, she called with A-7, I blanked out, game over.

$855.00 cash, but first was just shy of $1,500.

I was pissed initially, but now it’s out of me. Poker is just kind of like that. As long as I played my best than I just kind of have to take what comes. It felt good to just play another final table, and the more final tables I come in as the chip leader the more I begin to believe in myself. I had several other cashes tonight and many other close calls.

The harder I work the more I succeed. This is why I love poker. It is so intensely rewarding. The feeling of victory, the money…this is the good life.

All right, I’m going to go play some Dragon Quest and then go to bed. Tomorrow I’m watching a girl friend of mine sing at the University of Washington and then a buddy of mine is throwing a party I might go to…so yeah, I need my sleep. Take it easy everyone.

This Is What Your Brain Looks Like After Bubbling 6,000+ Times

I’m feeling very ragged. I am finishing my last tournament of the night. The average chip stack is 6,000+ and I have about 4,000. 52 players are left and 30 are paid. The players to my left are tight but I’m not having the opportunity to take their blinds because a chip leader is to my right and he’s been very active.

My bad MTT run has continued, and I’m just wondering what the hell I’m doing wrong. The answer I want to embrace is “nothing” but I think I am getting a little too desperate on the shortstack, which in combination with running bad is not leading to success.

The chip leader to my right just had his chip stack halved. Sweet.

Still not stopping him though…my god let me open a pot.

I ran extremely hot in SNGs today though, and while I’m still getting more seconds than I would like (likely a byproduct of my multitabling) my ITM rate has gone back to where I wanted it to be.

Just finished 38th.

I want to punch the wall. I am just so frustrated at this moment.

Okay…now its gone.

I’m so tired. Today was another marathon session. They have all been marathon sessions lately. I want to win so badly.

How much money would I be making if I was just playing SNGs?

They don’t show you this on TV.

To be a professional tournament poker player you have to be sick. You have to be addicted to the final table. You have to be addicted to that moment where everything finally comes together.

I am addicted. No matter how many times I bubble it doesn’t kill the desire. If anything it just makes me want it more. Yes, it pisses me off that I am not succeeding in my professional endeavor, but tomorrow I will rise again to play as many of these tournaments as I can, because I know deep down that my day is coming. Soon, the three outers will stop coming, the coin flips with start falling my way, and I will destroy another final table.

All right, my delirious rant is over.